Sideways
by JerichoSteele
Summary: Since I thought Kate's "I want you" wasn't enough, this is my little spin on what should have happened on the night of Alexis' graduation. Had a recalibration to my cranial orb and decided that there was too much to this story to let it go so easily. WIP.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I own nothing in the Castle world, all of that belongs to their respective creators. I did borrow lines from the episode 'Always' and hope that you all can forgive me for the way I messed with them.**

* * *

**Sideways: **_An 'Always' Alternate_

_..._

"Beckett. What do you want?"

The look on Castle's face told her immediately that she wasn't who he had expected to see. In fact, it looked like he didn't want to be seeing her at all at that particular moment. His hands held onto the edge of the door and the doorframe, keeping the opening to the loft closed off to her. This has been a day of confessions and mistakes, she just hoped deep in her heart that he will see that she is here to try and repair the biggest mistake of her life.

Her one word answer comes out almost breathless, despite the fact that she's already been standing outside his door for at least five minutes, catching her second wind and wiping most of the rain from her hair.

"You."

She steps into the room, forcing him either to touch her or back off. Paying no heed to the ramifications of the fact that he did step away from her, Kate plows into him, her hands coming up to cup his jaw as she pulls his face down to hers so she can press her lips to his. It only lasts a second or two before she pulls back, more confessions falling from her swollen lips.

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

She's back kissing him again, her mouth open and devouring his, but his reaction isn't what she was hoping for or expecting. While she can say that he 'kissed' her back, it isn't anything like the heated passion from the one where they were trying to save Espisito and Ryan. Kate starts to turn her head in an effort to deepen the kiss, to force her tongue between his lips which, for some reason, won't open to her. His arms tighten on her biceps and just when she thinks he's pulling her in close … he's shoving her back, away from him. His face is flushed, but she can't tell what emotion he is trying to hold back ... passion … or anger.

"What happened?" Castle's voice is raw and Beckett doesn't recognize it from any of the other times he's spoken to her.

It's still confession time, the shearing pain of her earlier words to him hitting her full force behind the scar between her breasts. Kate pours it out to him, the one man who knows how important the entire situation is to her … the one man who will know how much her next words are costing her.

"He got away, and I didn't care. I almost died and all I could think about was you. I just want you."

Beckett moves in again, her lips parting , her mouth open to cover his and fuse them together in the lover's dance that they have been in for far too long. Just before they come together once more, he stops her with another forceful push that creates way too much space between their bodies. For a moment, she thinks he's about to slam her back against the door and ravage her, but when she looks up into his deep blue eyes, it's not passion or want or even lust that she finds there. It's complete and utter disgust. Before that fact can register in her mind, he echoes her words back at her, but they aren't right … aren't full of the love that he'd confessed to her earlier.

"You … _want_ … me?" It isn't a question meant for confirmation, it's almost said mockingly. For a moment, Kate swallows down the burn that's formed in the back of her throat, thinking that, maybe, he just hadn't heard her correctly, and that maybe she'd spoken too quickly for his mind to correctly discern her plea to him.

"Yes … I want you." The instant the words left her lips, she knew she'd said the wrong thing.

Castle let her arms fall from his grasp as he whirled away, turning his back to her as he took two or three steps further into his home. She almost reached up to grab his shoulders, but the rigid posture of his spine caused her hands to drop to her sides.

"Castle … _Rick …_" Both of his names left her mouth in a rush, like she feared if she didn't get them out quickly enough, he'd keep walking until he disappeared into the depths of the loft.

"You _want_ me … "

This time, there was no mistaking the sarcasm in how he said it, and Kate felt all the heat that was throbbing inside of her start to fade into bland coolness. She'd come too far tonight, both physically and emotionally to simply let it go that easily. "Yes … Rick, please … "

He spun to face her so quickly that she inadvertently took a half step backwards. "Just like the rest of them." When she stopped moving, so did he, maintaining enough distance between them to stay out of her personal space. Something he'd never done before. Not once. Until now.

"What … what are you talking about? Just like who?" Kate was at a loss, she had no idea what he was talking about or why he was still looking at her like he couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her.

Castle took a deep breath, his hands clinching into tight fists at his sides as the fire in his eyes grew only more intense. "Demming … " The detective's name came out like it left a sour taste in his mouth.

Beckett shook her head in confusion. "Demming? What has he got to do with … "

He cut her off with another name. "Will … "

"My God, Castle! That was years ago! You can't still be jealous of a relationship that died before I even met you … "

The next name that he basically spits at her, causes her heart to skip a beat.

"Josh … "

Kate held up one hand to stop his list of all of her former boyfriends while the other came up to her face so she could pinch the bridge of her nose between two of her fingers. "Wait … really? That's what this is about? All the men that I've dated? You know that they are all in my past … they don't mean anything to me … they weren't important … "

"You _wanted _them too … had _relationships_ with them … for a one-and-done kind of girl, the _S.S. Beckett_ sure leaves one hell of a wake."

And that's when it hits her. What he was trying to say, with both his words and his bodily rejection of her advances. Kate feels like she's been slapped but it was her own words that did it. She's desperately trying to think of anything to say or do to reverse the damage that she's, once again, poured out onto the one man that means more to her than anything else on this earth. But before her fractured mind can come up with any type of response, Castle is speaking again, but his voice is deep and broken.

"I begged you not to pursue it … to think about the ones that love you … and yet … " Castle swallows the lump in his throat and feels it all the way down to his knees. " … you don't listen to me … and you go off and nearly get yourself killed."

The loss of the light in his eyes is killing her with every syllable that he utters, but Kate's powerless to stop him. While her heart thumps madly in her chest, she can actually feel the emotional distance between them increasing … the exact opposite of what she had hoped and planned on.

Kate's hand comes up to cover her mouth, her tears burning past any of her dismal resistance. She sees him breaking right in front of her eyes and she's powerless to stop it, knowing that she's the one who broke him. A sob escapes her burning throat, but she detects no reaction to indicate if Castle notices or if he even cares.

"I told you I love you … told you a year ago and today … " His upper body contorts, like he's physically wrestling with the anguish and pain within his soul, and Kate Beckett can do nothing but watch in mortified horror. Castle's arms come up in front of him and curl inward, making it look as if he's trying to hold something in … or let something go.

" … you show up here … and … and … " He's struggling to breathe and, for a moment, he doesn't … like it is just simply too painful to even allow his lungs to function the way they are supposed to. Kate notices and takes a step toward him, but his roar stops her cold.

"And all you can say … is that … YOU … _WANT_ … ME?!"

The pain, the anguish … all of it slams into Detective Kate Beckett, leaving her momentarily stunned at her partner's outburst. He sounds like he can't believe that she had the gall to say those words to him and she knows her mistake now, knows the three little words that he would have accepted … the words that have been stuck in the back of her throat and heart for longer than she can remember. They were on her tongue when he opened the door, when he'd asked what she wanted but the phrasing of his question had thrown her, muddling what she'd wanted to say for so long now.

But at this moment, as the man who had wormed his way through her impenetrable walls literally came apart at the seams in front of her, those words turned to ash on her tongue. Even if she said them now, he was in such a rage that he probably wouldn't hear them. That fact wasn't lost on her, and the heart that had barely survived her mother's death, shattered into a million pieces in her chest, leaving her breathless and drained. Kate swallowed the bile in her throat, trying her best to salvage something from the disaster this evening … this day, week, month, year … that they had descended into. "Rick … please … "

The words in his reply were razors, sharp and cutting. "Please _what_, Beckett?"

They were still stuck at him calling her 'Beckett' and she had no idea how to break his sudden refusal to call her 'Kate'. She was struggling with a response when he turned away from her, facing toward the windows that made up the far wall, the lights of the city beautiful despite the devastation going on inside the little loft in SoHo. Castle started speaking and she wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or if he actually cared if she heard him or not.

"You wanted them too … all of them … and you just said they weren't important … that they didn't mean anything … " The pain of the realization was clear on his face, in the tears that streaked his cheeks, and the defeated slump of his shoulders. " I … I … I love you … I do … I've told you … showed you … but you come in here, after all that's happened today … and all I get from you is … 'want'."

Kate's beside herself, her eyes closed as if she doesn't witness it, then it isn't happening. But it is. Only seven or eight feet away from her … Castle has reached the edge of his limitless understanding and forgiveness.

"And that's just not good enough … not anymore." He still hasn't turned to face her, so his voice bounces off the windows and walls, but they still slam into her as if he had screamed them directly at her. Then he starts to repeat the word that will never pass her lips again without her recalling the darkness that four lettered word has caused her.

"After all that we've been through … if all you can give me is 'want' … "

Kate held her breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. She didn't have to wait long for Castle to choke out the words.

"If you can't tell me anything other than that … I think it's best if you just leave."

…

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...

**A/N: I'm a little new to the 'Castle' world of Fanfic. I've been reading the stories here for a few months now and am impressed by some of the creativity that the authors continually come up with. **

**I'm also fairly new to the TV Castle (I've been watching the last two seasons but I catch reruns on the episodes when one catches my eye) and 'Always' prompted this little story of mine. I had looked up 'Always' on Youtube to see Castle and Beckett finally get together and loved the short clips of that great moment. But as I caught earlier episodes that included her lying about remembering his confession of love, her attitude of it being her life, and just the general crappy way Kate treated Castle (Demming, Josh, the secrets) ... I started seeing 'Always' in a totally different light. **

**I wrote this as an alternate way things could (or should) have gone between them that night after Alexis' graduation. It's a simple attempt for me to have Rick's reaction be a little bit more within the realm of reality and not simply because all that sexual tension needed to go away. **

**If you feel so inclined, leave a note in the little box at the bottom on your way out and let me know if I should leave it here or press on.**

**Semper Fidelis**

**JS**


	2. Not Enough

**Not Enough**

…

From Chapter One:

_"And that's just not good enough … not anymore." He still hasn't turned to face her, so his voice bounced off the windows and walls, but they still slam into her as if he had screamed them directly at her. Then he starts to repeat the word that will never pass her lips again without her recalling the darkness that four lettered word has caused her._

_"Want … want … after all that we've been through … if all you can give me is 'want' … "_

_Kate held her breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. She didn't have to wait long for Castle to choke out the words._

_"If you can't tell me anything other than that … I think it's best if you just leave."_

Leave. He actually wanted her to leave. After all the times that she'd grown frustrated with his childish antics and thought she'd be better off without his shadow constantly hovering over her … here he was asking her to walk away.

Beckett's heart was thumping in her chest and she was surprised that it was still beating after what he'd just told her. His revelation was shocking, the world seeming to tip under her feet as her head spun as it tried to catch up with all that had been said.

The words were in her throat … _I love you … _right there, waiting to come out, but the expression on Castle's face told her that isn't wasn't going to be enough, not nearly enough. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out as she wrestles with what to say that would do anything to mend the tear that has formed in something that she'd thought she could always count on. As her silence continued, the seconds ticked by as she watched Castle's shoulders slump even further, defeat evident in his drooping posture and it only poured more regret into her soul.

"Rick … I … I'm so … so sorry … " Her apology came out as a choked sob but if he heard her, nothing in his manner gave any indication whether it made any difference or not. When he spoke, he question caught her off balance.

"Sorry for what? Lying to my face for almost a year? Lying about remembering what I said when you were dying in my arms?" He cocked his head so he could speak more directly to her, but he still wouldn't look at her and she didn't know what hurt more … his words or the fact that he continued to avoid her eyes. "Sorry for promising to call and not uttering a word to me for over three months? Sorry for blurting out your secret to some perp during an interrogation?"

He whirled on her suddenly, his hands balled into tight fists at his side. "Just what the hell are you sorry for, Beckett?"

Kate dropped her head to her chest, tears wetting her cheeks and stinging her eyes. "I'm sorry for all of it, Castle."

"Bullshit!"

Her head shot up, her sad eyes seeking out his but he was still looking at anything else in the room but her. When she saw the anger and hurt on his face, there was nothing she could think of that would make any of it any better.

Rick slammed his hands into the pockets of his trousers, curling his fingers into the fabric so that he didn't reach up and yank out his hair. "I think the only thing you're truly sorry about is the fact that you got caught before you could come with another lie to cover it all up."

Kate's mind whirled at his accusation, wondering how he could possibly think that. She was about to protest when he continued.

"When were you planning on telling me Beckett?" The fact that he still refused to call her 'Kate' stung more than she thought it would. "Or were you ever going to tell me? Were you just hoping that I'd forget about telling you I love you or were you just hoping that you'd be able to lie your way out of this mess?"

"Rick, please … you don't understand … back when I was shot … I just wasn't ready to deal with anything like that … "

"Yeah, just like I wasn't ready to deal with watching you die … _twice_ … right in front of me and I was powerless to do anything about it." The rage from earlier was draining from his voice, but this new defeated Castle was just as horrifying.

"I needed time to heal; time to pull myself back together so I'd be ready for a real relationship … a healthy one."

Castle dropped his head. "A healthy relationship built on lies?"

That stopped her cold, and the early stages of her anger began to germinate within her. "But you lied too, Rick."

Castle nodded his head in agreement. "Yes … yes I did. I lied. I kept something from you and that constitutes 'lying' … but if I was in the same situation all over again … " His cobalt blue eyes finally locked with her own, but the magnitude of pain she saw etched in their depths caused her to turn away. " … I do the exact same thing without hesitation."

The urge to blurt out it being unfair for him to cut a deal for her life without her knowing about it almost erupted from her lips, but she swallowed them down, knowing that train of thought was very dangerous at that particular moment. Kate wanted to make some type of argument about the secret he'd kept, but he was speaking before she could come up with anything.

"Would you do the same thing?"

She didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"If could go back, and tell me the truth when it would have mattered, would you do it?"

Beckett's answer was instantaneous. "Yes, of course I would."

If she thought her honest answer was going to alleviate some of the distress that she saw in her partner's eyes, she was mistaken. Castle gave her a dry chuckle as his gaze dropped back to the floor.

"See … that tells me that although you knew it would hurt me, you chose to go ahead and continue to lie." He lets that hang in the air between them, his face downcast and hers spinning, looking for some way to salvage this disaster.

"Rick … I wanted to call you … talk to you … let you in but I just wasn't ready … " Kate ran her hand through her damp hair, her fingers catching in the tangles that were forming. Castle seemed to notice this, because he spun away and walked into the kitchen. When he reappeared, he held out a small dish towel to her and was careful to avoid her touch when she reached out for it.

"Thank you."

His response was a curt shrug of his shoulders before he moved away once more. Kate choked back the sob at his continued protection of her, despite all that had been done and said already.

When he stopped a few feet, his back still facing her, he spoke in the tone he'd used earlier when they'd fought back at her apartment. "When are you finally going to let me all the way in? When will it be enough?"

"That's why I'm here Castle … I want to let you in."

Castle shook his head sadly. "You say that, but your past actions don't induce any confidence that you're giving me nothing but more platitudes that will be broken the moment you have another break in your mother's case."

Now he'd touched the raw nerve that always lingered just beneath the surface of Kate Beckett. "That's the most important thing in the world to me Castle, you can't expect me to just turn away and let it go."

"I'm not asking you to just throw it all away Beckett!" Castle whirled around again, his face contorted in frustration. "I know how important this is to you … if anyone on this planet knows that fact, it's me."

"But it sounds like you just asked me to forget about my mother's death … act like it's no big deal!"

Rick schooled his voice, holding it just under the dull roar it wanted to be. "I know it's a big deal … I've watched it eat away at you for the past four years … all I'm asking is that you count the cost before you go chasing blindly after something that might consume you just like it did your mother."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Castle took several deep breaths, composing himself for what he was about to say. "I knew if you had the information I had, that you would run at this with everything in you … that's why I kept it from you. I also knew that you were going up against something unlike anything you've ever faced before and would need all the help you could get to take them down."

Beckett watched him wrestle with this confession and she was absolutely speechless as he laid out his train of logic in front of her, fearless of the consequences to their fractured relationship.

"All I wanted was for some consideration … some inkling that you would step back and consider what it would cost when you went after the people who destroyed your life."

The old argument from earlier reared its ugly head once more. "It's my life, Castle. If I want to risk it for the chance of finally bringing justice to my mother, then that's something I'm willing to do."

Castle's face remained calm as she roared at him, waiting until she'd finished before responding.

"But it's not just your life you'd be putting on the chopping block. What about Esposito? You risked his life today by dragging him into your little crusade." His statement hit her dead center of her chest, right at her bullet scar. "What if he'd died today, Beckett … how would that affect your quest for justice?"

The thought that her long-time friend had risked it all for her today just because she'd asked him too caused her to stagger back, collapsing onto the armrest of Castle's leather couch.

"What about your father? How would he feel when he had to go down and pick out a coffin for his daughter so he could bury his only child beside his wife?" Castle was a word master and he knew exactly what this was doing to the now sobbing woman in front of him. But he knew that this was possibly his last chance to make her see just what her selfish actions could cost to those around her who cared for her.

"What if Coonan comes after me … comes after my family … rips apart Alexis' life just like he did yours all those years ago. What will you say to my daughter when you tell her that her daddy isn't coming home anymore because what you wanted was so much more important than giving a damn about what would happen to anyone else?" This was taking a lot out of him and he began to feel like he'd been running on a treadmill set on 'high'.

"Rick … please … " Kate held up a shaky hand, trying to shield herself from the truths in his questions.

He was quiet for a moment and she almost gasped when he spoke again and he was standing directly in front of her.

"When is it going to be enough, Kate?"

Her name on his tongue made her stuttering heart clinch inside her chest.

"This crusade of yours will destroy those you love, whether you intended it that way or not, that will be irrelevant in the end."

"Rick … I just can't walk away that easily … "

"Yes, you can." She heard him take a breath, like he was about to plunge off a cliff. "But I don't think you will. I don't think that there's anything on this earth that will cause you to finally stop clinging to the memory of your dead mother."

Kate's fragile hold on her emotions and her temper finally snapped. The strength returned to her legs and she shot to her feet, causing Castle to take a step backwards so she didn't crash into him. He was reaching up to catch her as she stumbled toward him when her open palm caught him across his jaw, snapping his head to the side.

The slap of her hand against the flesh of his face was echoing through the loft before what she'd just done registered inside Kate Beckett's mind. One hand flew to her mouth to cover the anguished sob that escaped between her lips while the one that had just struck the man she loved reached out in an attempt to wipe away the red mark on his cheek. Castle's face was still turned to the side, his eyes pressed shut to hold back the tears that he could no longer restrain.

"Rick … oh God … I'm sorry … I didn't mean to … " Kate's words were coming out in small gasps and she stopped reaching for him when he sidestepped away from her. She was about to close the distance between them, when he finally looked over at her but the expression on his face was blank and unreadable. Emotionless. Resigned.

She felt his hand clamp onto her elbow and before she realized what was happening, he was dragging her back toward the front door, his stride long and purposeful. The towel she'd been using to dry her hair fell between them but Castle paid it no attention as he marched them across the room. His hand was shaking as he fumbled with the handle but he managed to work it, snatching the door open in one quick motion.

"No … please … don't do this … Rick … please … " Kate tried to protest but Castle's expression was made of stone, completely closed off to anything she could possibly think to say. She thought he was just going to throw her out without saying anything, but just as he maneuvered her into the opening, he spoke with no emotion in his voice whatsoever.

"I didn't do this, Beckett … you did." And with a simple extension of his strong arm, he shoved her out into the hallway. Beckett stumbled for a second before she caught herself and she spun to plead with him one more time but the door was closing before she got the chance. Castle's face appeared in the small space between the door and the frame; his last words would haunt her for many lonely days and nights to come.

"Good-bye, Detective."

Then he was gone and Kate could do was stand alone in the hallway and listen to the click of the door's deadbolt lock.

…

**A/N: I cranked this one out pretty fast to give you guys something to gnaw over for the next little bit. If there are mistakes, that's all on me and my poor proof-reading skills.**

**Let me know what you think on your way out.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


	3. Bittersweet Symphony

**Bittersweet Symphony**

...

Kate Beckett stepped onto the small porch that jutted out from the front of her father's rustic cabin. This had been her home for the past few days and the cool mornings were a solace against the tempest that she'd left behind in the city. Memories of her last days in New York flooded her mind, threatening to overshadow the beauty of the forest coming to life all around her. Behind the soft chirps of the array of various bird species that were flittering around inside the tree tops, she could almost hear the sounds of congested traffic and frustrated drivers tapping their horns. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting everything wash away but the gentle sounds of the natural world around her.

With her eyes closed and her body relaxing, the sounds of the city faded away, but not the last exchange between herself and her partner, if that's what he still was after that disastrous evening that she longed to forget, but couldn't. After she had stormed away from Castle's loft, her hand stinging from the powerful slap she'd delivered to his left cheek, she'd almost broken the button for the elevator in her frantic need to put some distance between herself and the man that could elevate her heart to the stars or deliver it to the pits of despair. It wasn't until the elevator's doors had closed behind her, that the reality of the evening's argument back in the loft came crashing into her with the force of a hurricane.

As the lift descended to the ground floor, Kate's exhausted and battered body slumped against the back wall, the last vestiges of her strength seeping away like the morning fog. The back of her head connected with the wood paneling and she repeatedly smacked into it, over and over again as she softly chanted a single word.

"Stupid ... stupid ... stupid."

Of all the outcomes that she had pictured in her mind before her meeting ... _confrontation_ ... with Rick, what had eventually transpired between them had never even entered her mind. She had known he would still be smarting over her harsh words back in her apartment, but the level of his hurt and anger had been beyond anything that she'd prepared herself for. Tears of anger, pain, and anguish streamed down her face as she frantically wiped them away, her last measure of control slipping away. She was grateful that she'd made it out of the building before she completely lost it, leaning against the corner of the building Castle lived in. In New York, a sobbing woman propped up against the edge of a brick wall didn't garner even a second glance from any of the passers-by and Kate was left alone with her tears.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed there, crying against the sound of the passing vehicles and the few horns that broke the stillness of the night. It was a bittersweet symphony that echoed against the concrete and asphalt of the city street, overwhelming Beckett's chocked sobs that she shared with no one but herself. The disaster that the evening had become tore at her heart and caused her to ache down in the depths of her very soul. The urge to run back up to Rick's loft was almost too much for her to resist ... but she did, allowing her tired legs and feet to eventually carry her all the way back to her apartment, she wasn't exactly sure how she'd covered all that distance, but she arrived safely.

As soon as the door clicked closed behind her, Kate's trembling body collapsed to the couch, her face pressed tightly into the pillows that adorned one end. Drawing her hands inward, she smothered her sobs in the floral fabric and let it dry up the tears that seemed never to end. Thoughts of what _was_ said and what should have _been_ said roared through her mind, and regret and shame filled her until she could hold it in no longer. A roar that was born of anguish and frustration erupted from her until her throat burned and her lungs ached.

Part of Kate wanted to rage against the man who was Richard Castle. She wanted to hate him, to despise his smile or the shine of his eyes, but when she tried, the sting of the truth in his words rocked her spirit and she found herself adrift in a sea of meaninglessness that threatened to carry her to an unknown destination. Their fight played over and over in heart and mind; the words that had cut into her earlier, now were revealed in the truth that they were. He'd held something back from her, and that had enraged her earlier but all of that had been forgotten when she was dangling off the edge of that building, her death right below her and a truth shaking her heart. The truth was that she was hopelessly and completely in love with the big jerk and she had no idea how things had spiraled out of control back in his loft.

She loved him.

She did ... _does_ ... love him.

And she'd let her own temper and stubbornness get in the way of making any type of heartfelt confession when he'd rejected her earlier proclamation of "I want you". Those three little words had been the wrong ones to say and afterwards, she'd been unable to find a solid ground that she could use to spring them on the agitated writer as her railed against her own insecurities and the impregnable shield she'd used to protect herself for most of her adult life. Castle had pointed out most of her failed relationships ... Will, Tom, and Josh, not counting the ones he didn't know about, and his plea about how she hid in herself away behind her walls, not giving anyone a real shot at getting to know the real Kate Beckett.

The young woman who lost her mother far too early and felt she was the only one who would ever bring justice to Johanna Becktett and finally lay her to a peaceful rest.

A woman who had watched her father crawl into the bottom of a bottle with no intention of ever crawling back out again.

A strong professional police detective who brought compassion and justice to victims of senseless crimes, while hiding away her own feelings of frustration and disappointment.

The little girl who wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the warmth and love of her mother's embrace, just one more time.

Kate Beckett was all of those things and so much more, and until Richard Castle had breezed into her life, no one else on the planet had ever seen any more than what she wanted to reveal. The parts of her that made up the 'so much more', where the things that she tucked away behind her walls, the ones that she alone was responsible to tear down. Those were the things that no one else had been allowed to view. Not Will, who she had felt enough for to imagine a future with. Not Tom Demming, who was good for a heated sparring match and a few good times, but any future with him, had been quickly squelched by feelings for a certain writer that made no sense in her ordered world. And then there was Josh, the giving heart surgeon who sacrificed his free-time traveling to the world's worst places, aiding those who had no hope. After thinking that she'd missed her chance with Castle, she'd started a real relationship with the good doctor, imagining a future with a ring on her finger and a real chance at a happy life. But time after time, a pair of cobalt blue eyes interrupted her thoughts and plans, tugging her toward a happiness that she'd never been able to envision before he entered her life and refused to leave completely.

Ever since their near death experience in that freezer, when he'd wrapped her in his thick arms in a desperate attempt to keep her warm and save her life, she'd know without a doubt that she loved Castle. Loved him more than Royce. More than Will, and Tom and Josh all added together. It was a love that transcended anything that she'd ever imagined or experienced before. It was exhilarating. It was liberating. It was beyond comprehension.

And it was terrifying.

It scared the life out of her and she'd reacted the way she always did when an emotional issue popped up that she wasn't prepared to deal with:

First, she _Delayed_. After her shooting, she spent weeks putting off calling Castle about his confession in that cemetery and before she realized it, three months had passed and he hadn't heart a peep out of her.

Then she moved to _Deflection_. She sat right there on _their _swings and talked about needing time for her walls to come down, time to solve her mother's murder, time to figure out why her heart was so screwed up that she kept hurting the same sweet man again and again.

And when those first two didn't do the trick, when she found that, even months later, she was no closer to catching her mother's killer than when she first began her crusade, she pulled out the coup de gras … she _Denied. _When she was finally honest with herself, she had to acknowledge that she lied. Lied right to his face even. And despite the pleading honesty she saw bubbling from the depths of his blue eyes every time he asked, she did it over and over again.

At least now, in her own mind, she'd started calling it what it was … a _crusade_. An epic venture that had begun with the noblest of intentions, but had eventually descended into chaos that was claiming even more innocent victims. This epiphany had struck her, when days after her fight with Castle, she'd found her father standing on the outside of her door, his expression both concerned and yet kind. After he'd finally got her to give him an honest answer as to why she wasn't answering her phone, when she finally broke down and described her confession and the argument, it shocked her that he wasn't as upset about her suspension as he was about what had happened between her and Castle.

_"__Awww Katie … " Her dad was sitting on the other end of her couch, his head cocked to the side like he was trying to decipher even more details from studying her body language. " … how did you expect him to react? Take you in his arms and ravage you against the door?"_

_"__Dad!" That had made her blush slightly, because that had been one of the outcomes she'd secretly hoped might happen._

_"__Oh, come on! I've seen the way he looks at you and the way you look at him … and don't forget, I was in love once myself." That got her attention and she schooled her features at her father's observations of her feelings for Castle._

_Her father shifted forward, leaning his elbows on top of his knees. "Katie, Castle is only a man, a man with an incredibly big heart that forgives as easily as he breathes … but a man's heart can only take so much before it's damaged. After that, it will take time for it to heal and even after a lengthy recovery, it may never be the same as it once was."_

_"__Are you saying that Castle and I may never be able to get past this?" Kate was on the verge of tears again._

_"__No … yes … maybe … oh hell, Katie, I don't know." He glanced at her sideways, only half of his face turned toward her but she could still sense the frustration etched across his features. "I can't speak for Richard and I would never presume to do so … you two will have to work that out for ourselves. What you do have to do for yourself Katie, is decide how far you want to take this quest that you've set upon yourself to complete."_

_"__Quest? What quest, Dad?"_

_"__This all-or-nothing quest you have built for yourself … this 'I must have vindication for my mother, no matter the cost'."_

_"__I'm fine dad … I have this completely under control!" Kate popped up from her seat and started to pace in front of the couch. She didn't have to look to know that her father's eyes were tracking her movements._

_"__Yeah … you're fine … you're on suspension from a career that you absolutely love and you may have ruined any chance you have at a relationship with the man that you love … sounds perfectly 'fine' to me."_

_If he hadn't been her father, she would have thrown him out on his ear for being so blunt with her and her feelings. "God dad! I was hoping for a little support here … not the third degree!"_

_"__If you want the third degree, I can give it to you … what I'm doing is called 'tough love' and right now, I think my daughter is in desperate need of a little bit of both!" Jim had reverted to what Kate referred to as his 'lawyer voice', the one that left very little room for argument from anyone. "I love you Katie, you mean the world to me but I won't just sit here and let you throw away the two best things in your life."_

_Beckett stopped walking and let her shoulders slump toward the floor, her anger and energy slipping away at the concern she could hear in her father's voice. "Two best things?"_

_Jim stood to move to his daughter's side, his arm coming up to wrap around her shoulder and pull her close. "Thing number one … your career."_

_"__Yeah, pretty well screwed the pooch on that one."_

_Her father simply shook his head. "Non-sense … your boss only suspended you … you were the one who went all Nixon and resigned."_

_"__And with great fan-fare as well, dad … I don't think Iron Gates will give me a chance to do anything about it."_

_"__Again … non-sense. Your team has the best closure rate of any unit in all of the NYPD." He caught her strange look and decided to answer before she asked. "What? I'm a proud father who happens to have friends down at 1PP who keep me up to date on a certain detective's successes … so sue me." His attempt levity earned him a grateful half-smile that broke across Kate's face._

_"__So, tomorrow morning, you put on your best power suit and you march right into your boss's office and you rescind your resignation." His tone and intense glare caused Kate's spine to straighten, a familiar feeling of pride and assuredness washing over her. "More than likely, she make you finish out your suspension … that'll keep her from losing face in front of the department … but I'm sure she'll be happy to have her best investigator back under her guidance and care."_

_Kate's lips finally turned up into a complete smile at her father's support and enthusiasm, but her heart ached at the memories of a certain fictional writer, whose own contribution had helped her team become the best at solving murder in New York City. She hid her pain behind the mask that she had perfected over years of practice, but her father was immune to her little charade._

_"__Dad, you said 'two best things … "_

_Jim chuckled lightly to himself. "Ahhh, yes. Thing number two … though placing it in second place in my list doesn't negate its position on your list of priorities, as it should be at the top."_

_Now she was really confused. "What are you talking about?"_

_"__Not a 'what' … a 'who'."_

_The moment that he saw her mind catch up with the meaning of his words, Jim's smile stretched from ear to ear._

_"__After you talk to your captain, you take a few days, go up to the cabin, clear your head … and figure out how you are going to convince Richard Castle that you are ready."_

_"__Ready for what?"_

_He let out soft sigh, not in frustration, but in the hope that his daughter might finally be able to get the important things in her life into the proper order. _

_"__Ready for Captain Ahab to end his quest."_

Those words from her father had followed her for the next few days. From her entrance into the precinct when she approached Captain Bates and humbly apologized for her unprofessional and dangerous actions that had put, not only herself, but other members of her team and the department at risk. After she admitted that she'd allowed her personal vendetta to cloud her professional judgement and cause her to disobey direct orders, she asked that her emotionally fueled resignation be disregarded and her boss had readily agreed. But the two week suspension would stay in place so that the department's rules concerning insubordination would be reinforced, not only with one of the best detectives on the force, but with the rest of the precinct as well. Captain Gates had sent Beckett away, but the older woman's slight grin and final statement about "finding a new perspective" caused the detective to wonder if her boss and her father hadn't been comparing notes.

On her first day at the cabin when she was unpacking her bags, she discovered a tattered copy of a particular book tucked just inside the front flap of her suitcase. She knew that she hadn't packed it and could only surmise that her father had slipped in there when she'd stepped out of the room.

Moby Dick had been one of her father's favorite books when he was a young boy and it had only grown in importance when she studied it later in school. The story of the whaling ship's captain who spent his life in pursuit of the white whale that had maimed him, resulting in only destruction and death. A crusade that culminated in the destruction of the captain's ship, along with her crew, while the great whale had descended into the depths of the sea, dragging the unrepentant Ahab to his death. Beckett's dad had read parts of it to her when she was very young and it held a special place in her heart, not just for the moral the story told, but she would always associate it with the sound of her father's voice.

As she held it in her hands that, for some reason had begun to quiver, she let her eyes trace over the image on the cover. The white whale was prominent in the artist's rendering, his massive body thrashing out of the white-cap sea as a hapless whaleboat filled with sailors from the _Pequod_ fought desperately to harpoon the fierce creature. She could hear her father's voice from all those years ago as they repeated the iconic words from Melville's masterpiece about the cost of sacrificing all for the vengeance of one man … "_Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."_

Was that what she was doing? Sacrificing all those around her for her own cause? Was she blindly putting everyone else at risk just so she could finally lay her mother to rest?

Castle's words from their fight echoed in her mind … "_What about Esposito? You risked his life today by dragging him into your little crusade … What about your father? How would he feel when he had to go down and pick out a coffin for his daughter so he could bury his only child beside his wife? … What if Coonan comes after me, comes after my family … rips apart Alexis' life just like he did yours all those years ago?"_

Other faces danced through her mind … Ryan, Jenny, Lanie, Alexis, Martha … the people closest to her, people that meant so much and yet, they all could be torn away in an instant, no more than chess pieces to the people who had killed her mother. Was she really ready to sacrifice all of them, just so that Kate could have the peace that had eluded her for all of this time? Would the justice she would find, erase the pain if she had to bury her father? Or Alexis? Or … oh God … Castle?

The answer was as plain as the nose on her face; she just didn't think she was ready to face the reality of it. But at this point in time, did she really have a choice? Was she going to simply sit back and watch what she had with Castle … what she _wanted _to have with Castle … slip through her fingers because she was too scared to actually say the words she should have said to him back when he first opened the door to his loft?

The catastrophe of that night weighed heavily on her, bringing the sting of tears to the corners of her eyes as the cost of what she had done washed over her again. How different would it have all turned out if she'd confessed her love for him instead of falling back to the safer and far less committal _"__I want you"_? He'd been right to through it back in her face but when he did, her defenses had come up automatically and what should have been an evening of kisses, hugs, and maybe so much more, had deteriorated into hurtful words and painful actions.

The slap had been too much, she'd known that instantly and the regret she felt over actually striking the kindest and gentlest man she'd ever met, tore away at her wounded soul. Kate had no idea how he would ever forgive her for that physical manifestation of her frustration and she wondered how to begin to earn his trust again. She did know that simply running up to him, possibly kissing him as she proclaimed her undying love wouldn't heal any of the wounds that she had inflicted on him. No, their partnership ... friendship ... _relationship,_ had taken time to build and it would take time to heal as well.

As she ruminated about her mistakes, she began to think about what a strange thing that 'trust' could be … it could be the strongest thing in the world, an unshakeable bond between two people that ranked right up there with 'love' in importance to a strong relationship. It could take years to build it into something special … but it could be devastated in mere seconds. It could stand the test of time, spanning decades of a person's life and passing into eternity when they were no longer here. But it could be killed, murdered in an instant by selfish desires or a stubborn attitude that sought one's benefit above another's.

A dry breeze kicked up the leaves that had fallen across the simple path that meandered up to the foot of the wooden steps, pulling Becket's attention back to where she was. The plans that she'd made before going to Castle's loft were in tatters and any fantasy that she had dreamed up about how things should have gone, disappeared like the wind that had moved through the air around her. The question that was slowly constructing itself in her mind was, what was she going to do about it?

Was she going to keep playing the part of Don Quixote and tilt at windmills until the tragedy of her life was all that remained?

Would sacrificing herself on the altar of justice for her mother be worth the cost of losing everyone that meant anything to her? Though she missed her mother desperately, would anything she did today or tomorrow, bring her back?

Was she prepared to admit her own mistakes and ask, no … _beg_, for Castle's forgiveness?

Was she ready to forgive him for his own mistakes, whether he asked her too or not? Whether he forgave her or turned his back on her once more?

Was the love she felt inside of her, for the man who could drive her up the wall one moment and cause her heart to thrum in her chest the next, strong enough to be patient and kind to him when he acted like the spoiled play-boy he used to be? Was it powerful enough to rein in her jealousy when he showed some attention to something other than herself and keep her from bragging about her own accomplishments that she would sometimes laud over him? Could it possibly be sincere enough to show her how to look out for the needs of others before considering her own? Does she have it in her to let the little things slide and forget about the things that would only hold her back? Would it teach her how to rejoice in the truth, even when it is uncomfortable and hurtful sometimes?

Was it even possible that the love that simmered in her chest, even after all that had been said and done between her and Castle, could it endure under any circumstance? Would it always burn inside of her, consuming her while at the same time, sustaining her? Was it worth the cost of releasing that part of her past that had tortured her soul for far too long? Would it be strong enough to help her endure humbling herself and admitting that she did, in fact, need Richard Castle by her side?

As Kate's cheeks became wet with her tears and she clutched her hands over the scar between her breasts … her voice, heart, and soul screamed out as one.

"Yes … yes … yes … YES!"

…

* * *

...

**A/N: As you can plainly see, I changed my mind about continuing this little story and that fact can be attributed to all the wonderful readers who showed kindness and support, even when some of them didn't really like the direction the story was taking. **

**And there are some of you who will say that I only threatened to pull the story because I was looking to feed my ego and needed the affirmation of legions of fans to build up my own pride and arrogance. To those of you who feel that way, I say this … you don't know me and what my motivations are. If you're that clairvoyant, you should get your own 900 number and tell people their lucky numbers and what message that their dead grandmother has for them.**

**Yes, I got my nose out of joint because of few reviewers who sought to bully me into changing my story because they felt I was betraying the heart of whom and what Beckett and Castle truly are. I let a handful of negative comments deter me from my goal of writing the story that is inside of me. I allowed my desire to keep everyone happy to preclude me from providing a somewhat enjoyable read (if I do say so myself) to the readers who actually appreciated it, and that little fact has caused me no end of remorse.**

**So, for those of you who liked this and were hurt by my initial response of stopping the story where it was … I apologize from the deepest parts of me. I acted like Castle used to when we first met him in season one … like a spoiled child who when things didn't go his way, he snatches up his toys and goes home to sulk and mope. It is with great shame and regret that I say that I am truly sorry for acting that way and hope that you can, in some way, overlook this momentary lapse in my judgement and forgive me.**

**For those of you who won't allow anyone to present an alternate version of the stories you already know and the characters you hold in such high regard … nothing I say or do will change your impression neither of me nor of my attempts at entertaining you. That leaves me with only one response to that narrow minded attitude. If you don't like what I've written, look elsewhere … there are plenty of fanfic stories that don't challenge Kate to answer for her own choices in a realistic way and have Castle roll over like a good dog, allowing her to continually make bad decisions based on her own selfish desires.**

**I'm sure that I'll receive no end of support from most of you guys but there will also be those who continue to rail against me and my ****_fictional_****portrayal of ****_fictional_****characters from a ****_fictional_****TV show. That is the price we writers pay for posting our stories on a public forum and ask for the opinions of others. So, those of you who will choose to lash out at me for changing the saviors of the world who are Kate Beckett and Richard Castle … rail away … give me your worse … take your best shot. I don't really care any more about your poor opinion of me and my vision of what could have happened if things had gone differently … the story will go on until there is no more of it within me to tell.**

**And as a few of you pointed out, I am a MARINE (or at least I was once, a long time ago) and our motto is 'Semper Fidelis', which translates to 'Always Faithful'. All I can say is that from time to time, even MARINES need a little reminder about things that should be simple and resolute. Thank you for being the ones to remind this old warhorse of what those words truly mean.**

**Semper Fidelis (I mean it this time)**

**JS**


	4. The First Cuts Are The Deepest

The First Cuts Are The Deepest

…

A tomb.

For the past few days, that was exactly the word to describe the loft in which the small Castle family lived. The usual laughter that permeated the open spaces had been absent ever since the night of Alexis' graduation, as well as any lighthearted words or conversation from her father. He'd hid it fairly well in the immediate days after, but both his daughter and his mother were fairly quick to discover the subtle shift in his attitude and temperament. The shift was extremely evident of the result of either of them mentioning anything regarding the person of Detective Kate Beckett.

Just the sound of her name sent him into an emotional tailspin, turning him into a darker shadow of himself. It wasn't that he was explosive or outwardly angry … but it seemed to be simmering just beneath the surface of his well-practiced façade. A façade that the people closest to him had no problem seeing through. Yet, even knowing it was happening, they were seemingly powerless to do anything to help rectify the situation between the writer and his muse.

His muse.

That had been the phrase used my his mother, not forty-five minutes ago, that now saw him standing in front of the glass panes of the large window in his office, staring out at the city with eyes that did not see the landscape before him.

His muse.

The words that had summed up their relationship …_partnership_ … for so long, and the words that did nothing to sum up what they really were to each other. Well, at least, what they were to each other up until a few weeks ago when it had all fallen apart right before his very eyes. Even though words were the medium with which he painted the make-believe worlds and characters of his books, for all of that, Richard Castle was at a total loss at how to explain the fiasco of that day and night. Even though it had been a couple of weeks since Beckett had appeared at his door; wet, scared, and beautiful … his cheek could still feel the sting of her palm as it struck his flesh. Maybe it wasn't his skin that still burned with pain, maybe it went a lot deeper than that … maybe she'd not only hit his flesh, but maybe she'd struck at his very soul.

Beckett's explosive response right before he'd ushered her out of his apartment, had taken him completely by surprise and even days later, it still left him dumbfounded. Castle had never expected her to lash out at him like that but if he was honest with himself, he knew it was a possibility. The look in her eyes as their discussion deteriorated into a duel of verbal hand-to-hand combat should have given him some indication that she was losing what little self-control that she still had left. Her hand slapping across his cheek was a horrible testament to how emotionally compromised she actually was even before she had arrived at the loft on that rainy evening.

And Castle's heart ached at his own contribution to her mental state that led them to this … this … whatever it was between them now. In his wildest dreams about how she would ever come to his door to bare her heart to him, he had never anticipated an outcome that would leave them detached and distant from each other. He had bared himself to her as well; confessing what her shooting had done to him, how her lie of omission had left him feeling adrift in something, that moments earlier, he'd been absolutely sure of.

As he stood looking out over the concrete and steel before him, Castle's mind latched onto that word. _Adrift_. It was the simplest and easiest way to describe exactly how he felt at that moment, and had for the last few days. His anchor was gone. The thing, or rather, the _person,_ that had been his safe harbor for the past few years had suddenly disappeared from where it was always supposed to be. Right where he wanted … _needed_ … her to be.

It felt strange admitting that he needed anyone, well anyone other than his daughter and mother. Castle had spent so much of his life with people coming and going, that at times he felt like a turnstile in the subway, spinning around and around, never sure which direction was up. The life of a wealthy writer had been filled with too many people wanting something from him … an autograph, a picture, an endorsement, a loan, and there was that time when a woman had asked for a lock of his hair. There never seemed to be a shortage of people who wanted something from him, and whether he wanted to or not … they always took a little piece of him away with them when they left. They would get close, making him think that they actually liked him for who he really was … a geek who liked bad sci-fi 'B' movies, a grown man who had a life-sized cut-out of Boba Fett in his bathroom, a man who could see a story written in a bowl of alphabet soup.

Someone looking to be respected, not for the stories he wrote, but for the story of who he was.

Someone searching for love and affection without a price tag attached to it.

Someone who needed to know that there were people in this world that wouldn't simply use him for their own agenda and then leave him lying in the dust when they finally got what they wanted.

Castle was honest enough to admit that earlier in his life, he'd been swayed under by the glamour, the glitz, the "Oh, _Ricky_ … sign my chest", the nights with swimsuit models, and the mornings with a hangover large enough to choke a horse. It had all been so much so fast … the money, the women, the praise, the adoration … that he'd let it lead him down the road of two broken marriages and the playboy image from page six that would likely follow him to his grave.

Out of everyone around him, Alexis had been the only one to never use Castle against himself. Even Martha, as loving and caring a mother as she was, had, at times, used the success of her own son to attempt to leverage some spark back into her flagging career. He didn't blame her, he would never turn down a plea from her for help of any kind … but when the dust settled, she had still used him. Alexis had never sliced off part of her father's status in any attempt to carry herself higher than she was able to carry herself, and he couldn't have been more proud of her for that fact.

Even Esposito and Ryan had fallen into the trap of having a wealthy and famous friend. The free drinks down at the Haunt, the floor tickets when the Knicks were in town, the use of the Ferrari … all little things that slowly pulled down Rick "the friend" and turned him back into the Castle of page six. He knew that they never intended to make him feel that way, but sometimes, especially when he'd been reminded of who he used to be and how he used to act … it weighed him down with a feeling of uselessness, like that was all he was any good for, that maybe, that was the only reason they allowed him into their little club down at the 12th.

Then there was Beckett.

At the moment, his mind was still refusing to think of her as _Kate, _only remembering her as Beckett or Detective … but not the name he loved her by, the name he'd cried into his pillow when she'd chosen other men over him. That seemed to be the destination when his mind began to spiral down the path when the question _"__What the hell just happened"_ slithered into his thoughts. Over the years of their partnership, he'd stood by and watched her, not only meet other men, but actually have 'relationships' with them.

Demming had happened right in front of his face and she'd allowed the new and shiny detective to basically replace Castle on her team. That had hurt, even though at the time, his feelings for Beckett were still rather amorphous, without a clear definition. The little 'lie' about her plans for the Memorial Day weekend had stung but they were no more than colleagues and friends … at least, that's how she saw them at the time. That little fiasco had led him to the long conversation with Gina and the disastrous reuniting with a woman he had once loved and thought he might have a chance at rebuilding what had been broken. It didn't take either of them long to rediscover all the reasons why they had divorced in the first place, only reaffirming that the two of them were better for each other when they weren't together.

The long months of Doctor "Motorcycle Boy" Davidson had been a living nightmare, rife with unrequited feelings and confusing half-truths that led Castle to think that there was more there than what actually was. A person's perception of reality is often far from the concrete facts that were often right in front of their face. Almost freezing to death in a deep freeze cooler, a heated kiss to distract a lone guard to save their friends, a moment of passionate words on a couch in a hotel room in LA … all illusions that had fogged the writer's brain into thinking that Beckett had been talking about him when she told him about the wall that needed to come down before she would be ready for a real relationship.

There had been other moments as well, moments that should have given Castle a clue that Beckett's words about a 'one and done' were no more than a pipe dream … one perpetuated by the actions of the woman herself. The quick kiss she shared with her ex from the FBI, the eye-sex she kept having with the man with the sexy accent from Scotland Yard … it seemed that every time Castle turned around, some new toy had captured the detective's eye and attention.

Had Castle been innocent in all of this? No … he was man enough to admit that there had been women who had turned his head during those years. Gina, Serena, even Kyra had stirred feelings inside himself that he had long considered dead. And when he had learned of Beckett's deception about remembering her shooting, a drop dead gorgeous flight attendant had been a balm to the tear in his heart. But she'd only been a bandage, a fleeting treatment for a broken heart that continued to beat … and bleed. Jacinda had been fun and uncomplicated, allowing him to laugh through clenched teeth and to at least feel something other than the hollowness inside his chest every time Beckett entered his orbit. Their relationship never progressed to anything beyond some heated make-out sessions in his Ferrari and a part of him is proud that he hadn't used the woman the way his former self probably would have. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to, but whenever he had touched her skin or kissed her lips, another woman's face appeared in his mind and her name thrummed on the tip of his tongue.

He'd tried to walk away from that particular woman who continuously haunted his thoughts. Again and again, he told himself that this was the last case that he would work with her, that it would be better to just make a clean break, that collecting his shattered heart from the floor and beating a hasty retreat wasn't a sign of fear or cowardice … it was self-preservation. So why did it feel like his very life-breath had been sucked away? Why did his heart ache at the very thought of the woman who was Katherine Houghton Beckett? Why did the very veins in his body, throb with molten lead that drug him down under a weight he couldn't see?

It was there.

Pounding behind his eyes when he closed them against the light of day.

Coursing through his mind as he tried to quieten his thoughts.

Tugging at his soul when he tried to hide away behind his anger and hurt.

He loved her.

Hopelessly.

Relentlessly.

Brokenly.

And he was going out of his mind trying to find a way to either shut it off completely or bury it so deep that it never saw the light of day again.

He was quickly coming to a conclusion about that particular emotion. The funning thing about love was that, once it takes root in you, it begins to _live _within you. It takes on a life all on its own and refuses to be ignored or relegated to second class status. It wants to be in the forefront of every decision you make. It wants to be shouted from the roof tops, not hidden away like it's something to be ashamed of. It wants to live and thrive; becoming more than it was yesterday and less than it will be tomorrow. It wants to consume the object of its desire at the same time that it wants to sustain it and cause it to flourish.

Martha had told him that it wasn't a switch and he knew that for a fact. This wasn't something that he could turn off; no … it wasn't going to be that easy. But he'd loved before, and lost love before as well. Was this just another fiasco that had fallen into his life that would hurt for a long while but fade away as time went on? Would he find equilibrium in his life once more, where he would be at peace enough to open himself up for a chance at love sometime in the future?

As his mind and heart contemplated the answer to those questions, he found that there was really only one response that was true.

No.

_No_ … this wouldn't just hurt and then heal, no matter how long he tried.

_No_ … his recovered heart might still beat, but it would never find peace again.

_No_ … there was simply no getting over being in love with Katherine Beckett and having her not love in return. It was just a fact of his life that he was going to have to learn to accept and find some way of existing in a world where his 'always' wasn't something that he would ever actually have. And he would.

He knew he would always love her, despite the fight, the slap, the rejection … Kate would always live in his heart, broken and shattered as it was. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but finding a way to survive was the only thing he had left. He still had a daughter to care for and a mother to babysit from time to time. There other stories in his mind that needed to be written, he just had to find a way to move beyond Nikki Heat and the woman who had inspired the character in the first place.

His muse.

His partner.

His friend.

They'd shared so much over the past few years; knew each other about as intimately as a man and a woman could without actually becoming lovers. The dream that they would any more than what they were was slowly evaporating before his eyes. Could he forgive her for the lies, the deception? The truth was, he guessed he already had, but the hurt … the shattered trust … remained, lingering like the morning dew. He could never stay mad at her for too long, no matter what she'd done or said, and a small part of him hated himself for that small fact. He'd always rolled over and acted like her snide comments about how he wasn't really a cop or the times she would join in when Javi or Ryan were messing with him. He could take just about anything the boys could dish out, but when Beckett joined in, it was like she poured salt into the still open wound.

Kind of like what was happening right now.

There had been a moment when he had opened his door to her on that night, that his mind and heart were of the same accord, wanting to snatch her into a fierce embrace and never let her go. But her plea of 'want' broke the connection and his mind couldn't let the distance close between them, even when she pressed her soft lips to his and kissed him like he'd never been kissed before. He almost let it go, almost kissed her back, almost tore her shirt open to reveal the scar that meant so much more than her survival of a sniper's bullet. There was a similar scar in the center of his own chest, an invisible one. One that was ragged and unhealed; remnants of having his heart rent from his body. His mind reeled at the irony ... that since it belonged to her anyway, she might as well carry it away with her.

That thought almost made him chuckle. If he wasn't so miserable, he just might have. As his mood continued to shift into murkier depths, the sensation of suffocating began to creep over him, causing his chest to ache. He turned from the window, his back leaning against the panes of glass as he fought to regain control of his breathing and racing thoughts. Then his mother's words from earlier in the day crashed into him like a wave smashing against the rocks.

_"__Maybe you need a break, Richard ... step back, get some perspective." Martha sipped from the elegant wineglass in her hand, letting her own thoughts about Katherine Beckett calm before she proceeded. "Sometimes a change of scenery is what the mind and heart need before healing can begin."_

_Castle turned to her quickly, a small fire burning behind his blue eyes. "What are you saying mother, I should tuck my tail between my legs and run away?"_

_The red-headed matriarch of the Castle clan gave him a dismissive wave of her empty hand. "Don't be so melodramatic my boy … it doesn't suit you at the moment."_

_Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Castle nodded when he felt a little better. "You're right … too much drama in my life right now anyway, I don't need to add any more."_

_His mother smiled warmly over at her son, the man who once seemed to live off of the very dramas that he created by his page six antics. If she had one (and she had way more than just one) compliment to bestow on Detective Kate Beckett, it was that the woman had pulled her adult son out of the immature playboy that he used to be. That is, up until a few weeks ago, when the Rick Castle of naked-horseback-riding-fame suddenly made a hasty reappearance. "Richard, I love you and I know when you are hurting … whatever Ka- … " A sharp quirk of his eyebrows cut her off. " … whatever happened between you two, you must find a way of either repairing it or moving on, but this abyss that you are swimming in will eventually pull you under and drown you." _

_For a moment, Castle glanced down at the floor before turning his eyes to his mother. When her gaze met his, she wished she hadn't. The pain reflected back at her was almost more than she could bear; she'd never seen him so desolate and broken. "Oh … Richard … " She started to move toward him but he held up a hand to stop her and she realized physical comfort wasn't what he needed at the moment._

_"__So what do I do? Do I act like nothing happened? Shrug it off to the bad luck ... karma … just like I usually do?" His voice was becoming softer and softer, and Martha wasn't sure if he was speaking to her or to himself. "Is there a chance for us to move past this and find a way to stop hurting each other?"_

_Martha let him finish, his hands dropping to his sides and despite his large frame and height, she saw a small scared little boy who didn't know the answers to his own questions. She stood from the stool at the bar and took two steps closer to her son, pleased that he made no move to wave her off this time. Wrapping her hands around his forearms, she held him until he finally looked up at her and gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. When she saw a familiar light spark in his eyes, she knew she had his undivided attention._

_"__Richard, I'm going to ask you a question that you have to answer as honestly as you possibly can." She gave his arms a gentle squeeze. "Do you think you can do that for me?"_

_His answer was a quick nod of his head._

_"__It's a 'yes' or 'no' question, so don't hesitate, answer immediately."_

_Another nod._

_"__Do you love her?"_

_The answer took him only the amount of time it required for him to take a quick breath. "Yes."_

_"__Even after all that she's done and said ... or not said?"_

_"__Yes."_

_Martha took a deep breath of her own, knowing that this was the question that would make or break the conversation. "Can you forgive her?"_

_Castle's lips didn't move, his throat refused to work, and his tongue stayed glued to the roof of his mouth._

_Martha reached up to tug his chin down when he started to look away from her, pulling his eyes back to hers. When she spoke, the words were soft but intent. "Can … you … forgive ... Kate?" It was the only time in the past few days that the detective's name didn't illicit some type of negative response from her son and at this point, Martha was too bold to care if it back-fired on her. To her surprise, the fire in his eyes flickered before he tried to blink it away as he squeaked out his reply. _

_"__Yes … but I don't know how … or if I even want to."_

_The caviler actress shook her head. "It's not a question of whether you want to or not … you have to."_

_"__Why? Why do I have to forgive her for anything?" The fire was turning into an inferno. "Why am I the one who has to turn the other cheek and keep taking her crap?"_

_"__My boy, I'm not saying that you have to take what she dishes out … I'm not saying that the two of you can just keep trucking along like everything is fine … " She waited until the flames in his eyes simmered down to a slow burn. "What I'm saying is that in order for you to move on, you have to forgive her."_

_"__But she won't ask me too … not after what we said to each other the other night ... not after what I said about her mother."_

_The tip of a perfectly manicured finger jabbed him lightly in the center of his chest. "It's not about her asking you … and you're not doing this for her."_

_"__Then who the hell am I doing it for!?"_

_Her lips curled into a tender smile. "You have to forgive her for yourself, my son."_

_"__Why?"_

_It was a question asked in honesty, without hesitation … the broken heart still beating. "When we are hurt and we take that hurt and hold onto to it … we give the person who hurt us power over us. They may not even realize it, but it's true. And that power begins to eat away at our spirit, our soul, and stops us from truly living. It festers inside, turning us into bitter husks of who we once were and eventually, we just stop."_

_Castle's head cocked slightly to the side, his ears tuned to what his mother was saying. "Stop, what?"_

_"__Everything … living … loving … growing … it's like we get frozen in place, not really moving forward … our entire existence becomes focused back on that one point in our lives where someone hurt us and we never truly let it go." Martha hoped the words rang true and hope flared in her chest as she saw a contemplative expression ripple across his chiseled face._

_Castle dropped his head, giving her a slight nod that she took as a sign of acceptance, but she needed to ask him again. "Can you, Richard? Truly?"_

_There was a sniffle and it shocked her that he was being so open with his emotions with her, but she was grateful that he was. "I think I can … but I don't know how."_

_This was the statement that Martha had dreaded from the moment that it had started. "You have to let her go, Richard … you have to let her go."_

_At the startled expression on his face, she quickly patted his arm to calm him down so she could clarify. "When you love something … or someone … and they hurt you … " The words 'or don't love you back' remained unspoken between them, but they were heard nevertheless. " … or things don't work out, you have to be willing to let them go … let them go find the happiness that you so desperately want for them."_

_"__But I wanted her to be happy with me!" It was almost a sob._

_"__I know Richard, I know … but that's not true love … that's selfish and self-centered, not what you want to experience with the person you give your heart to and whose heart you accept in return." Martha saw the war raging in his soul and she struggled to maintain control of her own anger at how much this one woman had devastated her son. "True love doesn't set terms or limitations … no quid pro quo or ifs, ands, or buts … it simply loves, no matter what."_

_"__But I've already suffered so much …watched her love other men when all I wanted was for her to choose me."_

_Her arms slipped around his waist to hug his larger frame to her own body. "Shhh … shhh … I know sweetheart, I know. But what if that's what she needs, someone else? Do you love her enough to think about her happiness before your own? Do you care enough about her to be willing to let her walk out of your life in order for her to be happy and content?"_

_If an illuminated lightbulb had suddenly appeared over his head, Castle wouldn't have appeared any less surprised when the revelation struck him. "You mean … put her wants and needs ahead of my own, even if it means we aren't together?"_

_Martha patted his chest, her hand tapping the spot over his thumping heart. "That's love, my boy … that's love."_

As Castle replayed the implications of his mother's surprisingly wise counsel, a peace fell over him, a peace he hadn't experienced since he'd heard Beckett's confession in the interrogation room all those weeks earlier. He'd been holding onto Beckett and his fantasy of the two of them being together, that he'd lost sight of why he'd wanted to be with her in the first place.

He loved her. It was as simple as that.

But did he love her enough to let her go? Could he be happy if this issue between them couldn't be resolved and they parted ways? His mind thumped out a strong 'NO!', wanting Beckett's happiness to be intertwined with his own, visions and fantasies of the two of them together streaming through his head … but his mother's voice echoed in his pounding thoughts. _Do you love her enough to think about her happiness before your own? Do you care enough about her to be willing to let her walk out of your life in order for her to be happy and content?_

The answer was right on the tip of his tongue and it slipped out, the single word a whispered chant in the quiet of the empty loft. It was a sad confession, only causing his wounded heart to crumple even more and tears to stain his cheeks.

"Yes … yes … yes."

…


	5. When the Words Say Everything

**When the Words Say Everything**

…

The slightly chipped female voice came through the speaker on Castle's phone.

"You have _eleven_ unheard voice messages. To listen to the unheard messages, press 3. To delete all messages, press 7. To add these messages to the archives, press 9. Archived messages will be stored for twenty-one days."

Castle leaned against the balcony outside his bedroom, the sound of crashing waves pounding softly off in the distance. It was evening in the Hamptons, his trek to his vacation home borne out of necessity since everywhere he looked back in New York, he only saw her. It had been outright painful to stay in the loft, the place of their latest, and possible _final_, confrontation.

Alex had given him a comforting shoulder to cry on, her words of advice leaning more toward the pragmatic approach of just cutting Beckett loose; the days of the fiery red-head standing by idly, watching the detective play around with her father's heart were at an end. He was pretty sure if Beckett had shown up at their residence, Alexis would no doubt return the slap the detective had delivered on that rainy night.

As he thought of his daughter's gentle pleas to follow his mother's advice to simply get away, he couldn't help but remember all the times that he had counseled her to face her problems and not run from them. Yet, here he was, alone in the Hamptons, with nothing or no one to lessen the way his heart ached every time his mind wandered to the statuesque woman with the haunting green eyes who had been his partner for the past four years. It was those eyes that were dancing around in his head as his thumb hovered for a few seconds over the '7', threatening to obliterate whatever she had left in her messages to him over the past few days.

He knew it was her. There was no one else it could be. The times that his phone rang and he caught her smiling picture looking back up at him, he had allowed the call to go to voice mail, putting off the decision as what to do until later. There had been earlier calls without a message of any sort and he knew those were the times that her words had failed her. Of course, he'd answered calls from his mother and daughter, knowing that if he didn't, they'd fall back to protective mode and show up at his retreat faster than he could say "Boba Fett".

But Beckett's calls had been ignored.

At least, until now.

It had only been a few minutes since he'd finished his order to the best pizza place outside of New York. He'd lost himself in writing, not about Nikki or anything fictional … his very real thoughts about some very real hurts had tumbled from his mind and found footing on his keyboard. He'd write furiously for hours, his hands cramping and his eyes stinging until whatever tangent worked its way free, then he would hit 'Select All' right before tapping the 'Delete' button, sending his thoughts in black and white into oblivion. After some pacing and grumbling, Castle would find himself picking up his laptop and the process would start all over again.

It was a lost cause and he knew it. He could no more erase his love for her from his heart than he could the love he felt for his daughter. It struck him as odd that he could feel this strongly for her, even after all of the brokenness that existed between them after the stormy night, both outside and inside the loft. It was odd that you could have someone in your life that could both raise you to be the best that you could be, while at the same time, that same person could shatter you into a million, irreparable pieces. All with a look … or a word … or even a lack of words.

But he should have known better. He was the wordsmith, not Beckett. For a woman who could rip a suspect a new one during an interrogation, when it came to matters of the heart, she was a functioning mute. They kissed and never talked about it. They huddled together in a freezer in another brush with death and her words failed just as she was about to say something that could have changed the past in ways he could now only dream about. She remembered his gravesite confession, yet kept it secret for almost a year, as he tormented himself with ideas about what the future could possibly hold for them.

It might have been simple morbid curiosity, maybe it was a deep seated ache to simply hear her voice once more, or maybe it was another way he could flagellate himself even more for not voicing his love for her when she had come back and the PTSD haunted her days and nights.

Castle let out a gentle sigh, his thumb pressing down on the '3' before he could think about it any longer and maybe come to his senses.

BEEP "First saved message"

At first, there was no sound and he wondered if there was a message at all. Then, in a voice that shook him to his core, he caught a soft sniffle followed by his name.

" … _Rick_ … "

There was a soft exhale and he could picture her clutching the phone in one hand while wiping at her eyes with the other. At first, he wanted to be mad, let the rage course through him and simply rail at her in his mind. It would be so easy to lay this all at her feet, place the blame squarely on those impenetrable walls around her heart, and encase his heart the same way she had done to protect herself. Then the message recording chirped, signaling its end and he found himself longing for more of her voice, whatever words she would or wouldn't say.

BEEP "Next saved message"

_"__Hey … it's me … well, I guess you would know that … and you probably won't even listen to this. Geez … I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other night." pause "I … God, Castle … Rick … I'm so sorry."_

She'd been crying, he could hear as plain as if she was standing right in front of him. Before he allowed it to affect him anymore, he pressed the number again.

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__Rick. Hey, it's me again." Long pause then a long, slow exhale "I can't believe I don't know what to say." Pause "I had it all planned out in my head … apologize … plead … beg you to forgive me." Pause with a sniffle between quick sighs "I know I screwed up … royally … and I have absolutely no idea how to fix this … or if that's even possible at this point."_

As the messaged ended, his first thoughts were _"Screwed up? You're damn right, you screwed up! All this time Beckett … all I wanted was for you to acknowledge my feelings … what I feel for you." _Feel, not _felt_ … yeah, he was so screwed it almost made him dizzy.

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__Hey Castle, I … I have some news.'_ pause, then a deep breath like she was about to take a plunge off a cliff. _"There was a break in the case … you know all too well which one … we found out who had my mother killed."_ The line went silent and for a moment, Castle thought it had ended. He hoped not, the moment she mentioned her mother's murder, he'd been afraid to breathe. Just as the pins and needles that had shot into his heart relaxed, he heard her take another deep breath before she spoke again. _"Even though I'm still suspended …"_ Suspended!? When did that happen? The thoughts were lost when she continued. _" … Ryan discovered that Maddox had taken a photo from Montgomery's wedding album and when he and Espo tracked who was in the photo, they found a man who had been tortured by Maddox and left for dead. I went to the hospital to check on Mr. Smith and questioned him, off-the-books, before he died or was killed …"_ Castle smirked without thinking much about it, imagining Beckett making air quotes as she spoke. _" … he told me he was the one that you'd been getting information from … who was helping you protect me."_ Another long pause then the message beeped as the length ran long.

His finger found the key before he even had time to think about it.

Beep "Next saved message."

Kate picked up right where she left off, like she hadn't even had to stop to press her speed dial #1 for his number.

There was a soft inhale, then she spoke in a softly broken whisper. _"God, Rick … the danger you put yourself in for my sake … when I treated you so poorly … " _Not now, Beckett, what did you discover? As if she'd read his thoughts, Beckett cleared her throat. _" … later … we'll deal with that later. We ended up checking out a property Smith owned but just when we got there, Maddox was opening a floor safe. It was booby trapped. He's dead. Cole's dead."_

Thank God! He almost shouted it. Leaving the city had been hard, but thinking about Beckett alone and unprotected had been torture. Now Castle just wanted to high-five someone.

_"__But there WAS a file in the safe … it was pretty destroyed, but we were able to find one little tidbit that led us to the man who ordered my mother killed." _Pause, then an exhale. _"It was a man named Bracken … U.S. Senator William Bracken."_

Oh God, was it over? Was all of it worth it? Did she find the peace that had eluded her all these years?

_"__He's too powerful Rick … too connected … too untouchable …" _The messaged timed out, cutting her off but his thumb was already pressing on the button.

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__I wanted to kill him … wanted to watch him bleed out at my feet while I stood there and watched … and I almost did it. I snuck in to one of his fundraisers … got him alone in the kitchen … and was this close … this close to putting a slug in his brain … but … but all I could think about was you … that you weren't by my side like you were supposed to be … and it was all my fault."_

Kate … ohhhhh, Kate.

_"__I bluffed him to back off … to leave me alone … leave everyone I care about alone … left him with a scar on his face to remind him … and then I did what you would have wanted me to do, what you begged me to do. I walked away."_

Extraordinary. Without a doubt, the strongest, bravest, most courageous woman he will ever know on this earth. Hands-down.

What she revealed to him must have overcome her, for there was a long silence then a beep, indicating that the message had finally timed out. Castle was actually glad it had, he was feeling a little overwhelmed himself and needed several minutes to catch his breath. It may not be over, but the shadow that had tainted every corner of Beckett's life was diminished, if not gone completely.

_Holy … Freaking … Bat Crap!_

There was relief … elation … and then some clarity.

He'd kept her safe. He'd protected her long enough for the pieces to fall into place for her to have her victory. This may not be the end she wanted, but there was a treaty in place, a promise of mutually assured destruction if it was breached by either side. It was better than the deal he and Mr. Smith had worked out … and as long as each side kept their distance, it would hold.

Then a sadness came when Castle realized that she was right, he should have been there. He should have been by her side when she faced down the man who had destroyed her world all though years ago. She'd been on her own … but maybe that was the way it was supposed to play out; her arrival at equal footing with the being behind her mother's death. It was all so sadly fitting. Kate had claimed it was her life. Her choice to fight the war on her own terms and she had been alone when she had finally faced the monster that had taken so much from her when she was still so young.

When a tear sprang from the corner of his eye, Castle made no move to wipe it away … not it nor any of the others that followed. Without thinking about it too much, Castle's thumb pressed the number again and the next message began to play.

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__Castle … dammit Rick! I should be telling all of this to you … face-to-face." _Castle could hear her sniffling again and it sounded like she was brushing away her tears. _"I'm such a coward … "_

Oh Kate. No. Not even close.

_" … __I lied to you … I hurt you … you've been with me since the beginning … protecting me … comforting me … ever since you signed my book … and I screwed it all up." _

Now his tears matched hers, her voice sounding like she wasn't talking to him as much as she was to herself. There was an air of revelation in her tone, like the veil had been pulled away from her eyes and she was finally seeing something clearly. Beckett's words were tainted with a sense of awe and for the first time since their disastrous night, Rick Castle let his heart go out to her.

_"__You might hate me now … I know I do. I ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed something … someone… other than myself and my own strength." _There was a muffled sob when he imagined she covered the phone in an attempt to conceal it. _"I won Rick … and I have absolutely nothing to show for the win. No one to share it with … no one to revel in it with me … and I am sick in my heart because of it."_

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__I wish these things would record longer … I have so much to say to you … if you're even willing to listen … you've probably just deleted these without hearing me … but I have to say this." _This time the sob was loud and clear, her words falling like a broken confession._ "I'm so sorry … so sorry Rick … I wanted … No! Scratch that … I NEEDED you with me … I'm pretty sure I still do …" _

With his own tears beginning to blur his vision, Castle stumbled backward until the backs of his knees hit the edge of one of the Adirondack chairs that sat beside the French doors leading into the master suite. His legs could no longer support him, their strength draining from the muscles, leaving him almost numb from the waist down.

_" … __hanging off that roof … standing in front of Bracken with a gun in my hand … and all I could think about … was you. It's always been you, Rick … always."_

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__No other man ever stood a chance once you entered my life … and no one will ever again. My mother's case had me frozen in place unable to move forward. I was stuck … until I met you." _He could hear her breathing softly over the line and he smiled in spite of himself. _"You said once that I was extraordinary … but you, Richard Edgar Rodgers Castle … you are unfathomable … I can't comprehend why you stayed with me for so long, not after all that I put you through." _Then her voice cracked and in the next breath, she was opening sobbing into the microphone in mumbles that broke up when her tears became too much.

_"__Rick … oh God … Rick … I'm sorry … so … so sorry. I know … it was so simple … all I had to do was let it go … you would have never betrayed me, not the way I thought … you've would have gone with me to the gates of hell itself if that's what it would take for me to find peace about my mom … you protected me … even when I didn't want or deserve it." _There was a long moment when he thought the message had ended, and then her whispered words slammed into him as if she'd spoken them to his face.

_"__I love you, Rick … with everything that I am … with everything that I will ever be … I love you."_

Castle almost dropped the phone. He was struck silent, both in words and thoughts, the confession short circuiting his mind with their simplicity and sincerity.

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__I know it may not matter … not after the things I said to you … after I … after I slapped you. Rick … Rick … I … am … so … sorry … so sorry about what I did … what I said. You did absolutely nothing to warrant the way I treated you that night … and whether you forgive me or not … I will go to my grave with that as my biggest regret. I hurt a man who has stood with me through it all … the good and the bad … and I hurt him with words and actions … I would give all that I have … I would trade resolving my mother's death with just one chance to take back what I've done to you." _

The world seemed to stop for a few moments; the wind blowing the salt air around him, the waves crashing into the sand down at the beach, even his own heart felt like it was no longer beating. He silently wondered if that's because what was once broken was coming to life once more.

_"__Rick … I don't know where you are … I've called, I've forgotten how many times … I dropped by the loft but Martha told me you had left town. I don't blame you … I … I can't imagine what you're feeling … how much you are hurting." _The seconds ticked by and he knew the message was running out. _"But if you can listen to this just a little longer, please hear me … I love you … I have loved you for longer than I can remember. I've tried denying it. I've tried running from it. I've hid in relationships with men that I don't … can't … love. You are my comfort … my shelter … my solace when I'm afraid … my light when all others go out. I love you, Rick … and I know that I will love you until the die that I die."_

Beep "Next saved message."

_"__I went by the loft again … and despite everything I've done, Alexis and I got to talk. She hated me at first … was so angry and I'm pretty sure she wanted to slug me … but after a while … she forgave me. She's a lot like you … loves the unlovable and forgives the unforgiveable." _Castle felt a wave of emotion sweep through him at the compliment given to his daughter, knowing that of all the accomplishments in his life, she was the one he was the most proud. _"We talked … well, actually, she yelled while I sat there and listened, like I should have done so much sooner with you. By the time it was all over, we were hugging and crying … she may not have completely forgiven me, but she did something that caught me off my guard as I was leaving." _He heard her take a breath and hold it, surprised to find that he had done the same exact thing. _"She asked me if I loved you … when I told her that I did … that I do … she asked me 'Then, why doesn't my father know that?'. You've got one hellava kid there Castle … she knew exactly what to say to get me moving in the right direction." _

Her words stopped with the soft chirp but when his thumb pressed down on the number '3' once more, he was greeted with the message he'd been dreading over the past few minutes.

Beep "End of messages."

It was like the air had been sucked from his lungs and it took a few moments for his brain to start working again. The evening had been filled with so much emotional turmoil that he felt as if he'd gone a few rounds with Beckett on the sparring mat down in the precinct gym. As his breathing returned to normal, he shook the cobwebs from his brain, wondering what his next course of action should be or if he should even do anything. The war inside of him grew, part wanting to pack up and head back to the city to hunt her down; another part content to hide away, licking his wounds. There was Kate's confession of love but he wondered if it was her guilt talking or the thought that he would no longer be her partner or friend. He wasn't sure and that was the worst thing of all … he had always been _sure of Beckett,_ trusting her implicitly.

But now that trust had been shaken. Not by the harsh words or the emotionally fueled slap, but by her choice to remain isolated in her quest and leave him standing there with his heart in his hands. Her words "It's my life Castle …" rang in his ears over and over, forcing him to evaluate their true meaning and if they could ever be erased from his memory. He had met people in his life who used the three words "I love you" to cover a multitude of sins. Hell, even Meredith had used them after he'd caught her straddling her director on their couch, their naked bodies coiled in a lover's embrace. She'd cried about needing comfort and passion, and then had the gall to utter those three little words to him as he recognized them for the ruse that they were. He'd witnessed scenarios at the 12th, where a husband had beat his wife into unconsciousness but soon the man was confessing his undying love for the woman he would hurt again, even before the previous bruises had healed.

Maybe the world had simply forgotten what it was to truly love someone. It's not an emotion based on how that person made you feel or how handsome or beautiful they were. It's not a response to what they do for you or the things that they can give you. It's not encompassed in passion that comes from attraction or lust.

Love is so much more than any of those fleeting things. Looks and passion fade. Feelings are temperamental; up one day and down the next. Basing your love on how someone treats you will go through upheavals during the first few months, not to mention a lifetime together.

That's what Rick so desperately wanted … the "One and Done" as Kate had put it all those years ago. He wanted …no, needed … to find that kind of love. His literary mind went to the best definition of love that he had ever found, a simple and clear description by a first century writer by the name of Paul. A love that was ever patient, not rushing forward nor holding back. A love that was kind and gentle when there was a wound, but strong and courageous when danger was near. A love that forgot the trespasses of the past and yearned for a hopeful tomorrow. A love that reveled in the truth, no matter when it hurt, because sometimes truth was the balm to bring healing. A love that could weather the turmoil of two completely different creatures attempting to become one entity without ripping each other apart in the process. A love that could withstand all things, all challenges, and all temptations. A love that never quits, never stops, and never fails.

Castle was lost in his thoughts when the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of his three-meat, thin crust pizza with extra cheese. He slid from his seat, tucking his phone into his pocket while trying to remember where he'd left his wallet. On his way through the kitchen, he passed the refrigerator that he desperately needed to restock, hence the need for the pizza delivery. The days had slipped by and his proclivity to put off going out to the grocery store had finally caught up with him until he'd could either go hungry or do something about it.

He found his errant wallet sitting on the counter next to the stove and flipped it open. The Italian pie was custom ordered, so it would be around fifteen dollars and with the long drive out to his house, a five dollar tip was completely inadequate. Castle pulled out two twenties with one hand while tugging the door open with the other.

"I can already taste it, thanks for getting here so …" When he finally looked up, expecting to see a pimple faced teenager with a flat, white box in their hands, the sight before him stopped him cold but it only took a second for his brain to catch up with his pounding heart.

"Kate?"

…


	6. Chapter 6

**Sanitas In Veriate**

…

Standing in front of him after what seemed an eternity apart, Kate Beckett was almost overcome with the emotions that were undulating inside of her. Her legs felt weak and she was sure the color had drained from her face … but there he was, a little stunned for the moment, but he was still looking at her and he hadn't slammed the door in her face.

Castle had muttered out her name, shocked that she was there and confused as to 'how' or 'why'. He couldn't deny his immediate response had been complete surprise but the longer they remained motionless and silent, a wave of uncertainty washed over him and he suddenly felt the world was once again shifting under his feet.

"Rick." His name on her tongue sounded like relief, like she couldn't believe that he was really there. When his hand remained fixed on the door's handle and his eyes remained dazed and unfocused, Beckett called out to him once more. "_Castle_."

Snapping out of his stupor, Castle eased himself further into the opening between the edge of the large door and the door frame, closing off the opening and Beckett felt a cold chill roll up her spine at the action. To her, it looked as if he was closing off the inside of his home and for a flicker of a moment, she wondered if he was alone or if he had company. She glanced over his shoulder but she couldn't see anything except the vaulted ceiling of the foyer and the man in front of her. To her shame, he caught her gaze and quickly deduced the meaning behind her curiosity.

"Don't worry … I'm alone." His voice carried very little warmth.

Beckett dropped her eyes to the tiles at their feet, ashamed of how easily he'd seen her action for what it was. "Look, Rick … I'm sorry, but I just wanted …"

"Why are you here?" Castle was barely keeping himself upright with the enormous amount of effort he was exuding to maintain his composure. With the messages he'd just listened too, the confessions that they contained, and the woman who left the messages right there … he was amazed that his head hadn't exploded. He wasn't trying to be cold or abrasive, but how in the world was she now standing at his front door?

Kate had been planning this conversation for hours, if not days. Ever since she'd come back to the city, she'd yearned for an opportunity to see her partner and maybe even have a chance of making things right between them. She was pretty sure he wouldn't be coming into the precinct anytime soon, even for a dead body or case involving a sighting of the Abominable Snowman in Central Park. The first calls she made ended before the first ring, her thumb slamming into the 'END' button before he would have had a chance to answer. After wrestling with what to say and how to say it, her next attempts at placing a call ended just as his voice mail message started and she, once again, ended the call before anything was said. Finally, after arguing back and forth with herself, she'd managed to leave a message consisting of a long sigh and his name carried on a sob. For a woman who could make grown men cry with just a glare, she really needed to work on mastering the art of stringing a sentence together when it really mattered.

It had been hours later when she managed to find her courage and her words once more, but they had come out in a tangle of a trite greeting and teary apologies. A talk with Lanie had finally given her the strength to hold herself together long enough to spill her heart out onto the recording, saying all the things that she should have said on that rainy night when he'd answered the door and his face fell into cold appraisal at her appearance.

That had all led up to a trip to the loft in the vain hope that he would be there and that he would let her in. Instead, she'd been greeted by a turbulent Alexis, whose kind eyes had held a murderous intent the moment she'd opened the door to the detective. It was no small miracle that Castle's daughter hadn't slammed the door so hard she broke the hinges or caused a ruckus by throttling the older woman to death on the floor out in the hallway. Whatever lessons in civility Castle had taught his little red-head, Beckett was grateful that it had led to some reveled truths after the teenager had let the detective into their home.

After some long silences and uncomfortable moments, Alexis found the courage to vent her anger and frustration at the detective, holding nothing back and showing no mercy. To her credit, Kate stood there and took all that the young woman threw at her, allowing the truths to hit home in the target of her heart. When Castle's daughter had no more arrows in her quiver of rage, she paused, spent. It was her silent way of telling the other woman that it was either time to leave … or a moment to try to explain her actions and choices.

It was probably only minutes, but it felt like hours, before Kate was finished pouring out her broken heart at Alexis' feet. Tears wet her cheeks and her hands had been trembling through most of her vain attempt at an explanation, but she was truthful about her selfish decisions that had brought only pain to the girl's father. When her words ran out, all she could do was cry tears that came from the crevasses of her soul.

It shocked her when the red-head wrapped her into a fierce hug that was both painful and healing at the same time. They cried together, sharing a moment of unity for the man that they both loved, each hoping that the wounds that had been inflicted on him would not become a permanent part of who he was. Kate released the younger Castle but Alexis clung to her long enough to whisper something into her ear … his address in the Hamptons.

That was how she found him. That was how she was allowed past the gates that were guarded by the other most important woman in Castle's life. If Alexis could forgive her and allow her this small chance at redemption, then maybe her father would too.

"Beckett?"

Kate snapped back to the present when he called her name and it surprised her how much it stung when he used just her last name. "This was so much easier when I thought it out in my head."

Castle realized that he was being short with her, but the ache in his chest thrummed with every breath he took. "Yeah, I'll bet it was."

Dismissing his sarcastic tone and thankful that the door was, at least, still open, Kate bit her lip to stop a smart retort. Instead, she looked up into his stormy blue eyes and with her will alone, begged him to hear her out. When she saw him waver ever so slightly, she asked the question that would probably seal the fate of the evening.

"I'll leave, if that's what you want Rick … and I'll never bother you again … but I have some things I want to say to you in person and if you have any feelings left for me whatsoever … I'm asking for just one more chance to make this right between us before I go."

It seemed like Castle was about to send her back down the sidewalk, but he suddenly relaxed his posture and gave her a gentle nod of his head. "You're right … I … I'm sorry Beckett … I'm being rude." Then he stepped back, letting the door swing open fully and even though she was immediately struck by how beautiful that place was, but it was his simple gesture of letting her in that made her heart ache in her chest. "Come on in … do you need something to drink? That was a long drive."

She laughed lightly to cover the quiver in her lips. "Yeah … that would be great."

Castle nodded as he started to close the door. "Do you have anything … uhmm … "

For a second or two, Kate didn't know what he meant, but then it dawned on her what he was asking. "I've got a rental and an overnight bag in the trunk."

He made no inappropriate comment about her possible assumption that she would be staying with him in the house … or which bed she would be in … and she knew that lack of levity indicated that the evening was still on shaky ground. She caught him looking right into her eyes as he stepped back to let her pass and in that brief moment, she saw doubt, worry, pain … but all of those emotions were overshadowed by the storm of sadness that raged behind the deep blue of his irises. Was he sad that she was there, interrupting his attempt to make peace with the shambles of his heart? Was he sad that he wasn't alone and couldn't use another house-guest as an excuse to send her away? Was he sad that instead of joy at seeing her, he only felt more pain? Kate wanted to say something … anything … at that moment to ease his suffering, but fate intervened as a small car pulled up in the drive behind her rental, stealing his attention.

"Sorry …" He shrugged his shoulders in his usually adorable way. " … that would be my … I mean … I guess … _our_ dinner." Castle moved past her, his arm grazing hers, sending an electric charge up her bicep and across her chest as she moved out of his way.

Beckett watched him great the young pizza delivery man as they exchanged one large, flat white box for a wad of bills. When he spun back around, she didn't bother trying to hide the fact that she'd been watching him the entire time, her eyes clear and bold. He glanced into her depths of hazel, and she caught a flicker of the old Castle … _her_ Castle … before he schooled it away behind a charming grin. He seemed poised to say something when Kate's stomach growled after she smelled the enticing aroma of Italian herbs and spices.

There was a friendlier tone when he waved the box in front of her. "I bet you drove straight here … and probably didn't eat anything before you left."

She dropped her head to hide her smile; he knew her so well. "Yeah … kinda had a lot on my mind."

Castle's responded as he nudged her gently with one corner of the box in his hand. "Come on, Beckett …" There was that tenderness again. "… it's a _large_ … plenty for the both of us." He didn't wait for an answer as he paused just inside to push the door closed with the back of one foot and headed off for what she assumed was the kitchen or dining room. Kate fell in a few steps behind him, glancing away from his back to admire some aspect of the house that caught her eye.

The writer passed a large island in the middle of the biggest kitchen Kate had ever seen, tossing the pizza box on to the granite counter top. "So … what would you like with your pizza pie? Soda, tea, water, wine?" He paused when he opened the door to the enormous refrigerator, glancing back over his shoulder to his guest.

Kate struggled for a moment to answer, trying to decide which of those choices would be the safest without sending him any mixed messages. She was about to answer with 'water', when something stopped her. "Wine would be great." She hoped she hadn't made the wrong choice when she noticed his shoulders lock up for just a second, before he nodded his head in agreement. She watched him disappear behind the stainless steel door and heard the tinkling of glass as he moved something around where she couldn't see.

"There are glasses in the cabinet behind you."

Kate thought it was weird to hear his voice without seeing his face as she moved to open the cabinet door to retrieve two long stem wine glasses. When she sat them on the counter, she looked up to find him watching her this time and she tried to hide the shiver that ran up her spine at the questions she saw swirling in his eyes. But the mask fell once more, closing him off from any further exploration.

Castle popped the cork and let the bottle breathe before pouring first into her glass before adding the same amount to his. They raised their glasses together and just before she spoke, he dropped his gaze to the glass in his hand, speaking so softly, she almost missed it.

"In vino … veritas." _In wine, truth._

The implication in his statement was clear. Tonight was a night for truths, truths that might be painful for both of them but without them, they each would continue to be lost in this haze that they had become. Rolling her shoulders to relieve some lingering tension, Kate tipped her glass toward his, speaking when the crystal chimed together.

"Vincit omnia veritas." _Truth Conquers All._

Beckett caught his wry chuckle, but when he looked back up at her, she saw the desperate pleading in his eyes. Whatever was said tonight would both tear and rend … but would also hold the possibility of healing in its wake.

They took their first sips in silence, allowing the wine to work its magic and calm their tumbling thoughts with its fruity but harsh flavor. When each of their glasses were resting on the counter and the pizza box remained ignored between them, Kate took the deep breath before the plunge. No small talk. No mundane observations about the weather, or Alexis, or how long he planned to stay away.

Jump in.

Both feet.

Let the storm come.

They would weather it together.

"Castle … Rick …" His name spilled broken from her lips and the sting of stubborn tears tickled her eyes.

As she made a soft gasp and wiped at her eyes, Castle leaned forward, his knuckles white where he was holding onto edge of the granite. He spoke softly, his voice like a soft breeze against her skin.

"I … I got your messages."

That stopped her cold. It was beyond her hope that he would actually listen to them but he'd allowed her into his home where he'd hidden away and now he was confessing to hearing her anguished words from days prior. She sought out his eyes but found him staring at the goblet before him, lost in the dark liquid.

"I … I almost didn't … almost deleted them without even listening to what you had to say." His voice was calm, but there were faint hints at the emotional tsunami that he was holding back. "I … uhmm … after our last conversation … I didn't think I'd want to hear anything you said ever again."

Kate's hand wiped away the first tear to fall down her cheek. "Oh _God_ … _Rick_ … that night … I would give anything to be able to do that night over again."

Her words drew him into a peaceful silence as he ran them over and over in his mind, thinking of all the variations that could come from a do over. The question that came from his mouth was the last thing that she expected.

"What would you do differently … if you could, you know … if you had another chance?"

When she glanced up, she found him looking at her with one of those looks that he only had for her. The one that begged for honesty while letting her know that it was the only thing that would be accepted. Beckett gave him a soft nod, stretching out the moment as she wrestled with her own fears and doubts.

"You mean, like a 'do-over'?"

The smile that formed on his face warmed her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. "Yeah … I guess so … a 'do-over'."

Beckett smiled back but stopped when his face fell into a deep frown as he locked his eyes with hers and held her motionless by the coldness she found there. "But tread carefully … part of me is still aching to throw you out on your ass."

He wasn't kidding and she held no animosity for his harsh statement. He'd already shown an enormous amount of grace by simply letting her speak when he had every right to send her packing back to New York. They had toasted to 'truth' and neither one was going to accept anything less from each other tonight. If he would let her in this far, if he needed to rage and vent against her, then she would stand there and take it. If he needed to yell and even throw things, she would endure his rage. Whatever he needed from her tonight, she would give it to him. If it meant they were finished … no more friendship … no more partnership … no more _anything_ … that's what she would give him.

But if there was even a slight chance that they could salvage something … _anything_ … partnership, friendship, more … then she would fight tooth and nail for just the possibility of remaining even a shadow in his world.

Because he was worth it.

"I'm not sure where to start." Kate knew what she wanted to say, she just couldn't make it all make sense in her head enough to make the words come out right.

His warm chuckle gave light to her darkness. "_Kate_ …" He called her 'Kate', and she felt her heart sing. " … we've toasted to 'truth' and I think, for once, we could really just use a big dose of it."

Kate nodded her agreement, but what truths would this night require? What could she give him that would take away any of her past mistakes? Taking another deep breath, she turned to the side, resting her back against the counter as she jumped off the cliff into the abyss.

"When I came to your door that night and you opened the door … I should have told you I love you …" She heard his soft intake of air as he too wondered if those three little words spoken at the right time would have made any difference. " … but all that came out of my mouth was 'want' … and that was nowhere near what I was feeling at that moment."

There was a short pause as she let her eyes trace the antique breadbox resting on the counter near the stove. "They were on the tip of my tongue but … I was so scared."

Castle gave her a moment then asked. "Scared of what?"

"Of hurting you." Glancing over she caught the expression on his face that revealed that he wondered how she could have hurt him any more than she did. Kate pushed herself forward to explain before his writer's mind went off in a direction that wouldn't do either of them any good. "I know I did anyway … but that wasn't my intent … I was trying to protect you."

"From what?"

She let out a long, broken sigh before whispering her answer.

"Me."

Castle's face morphed into complete confusion but she was speaking before he could think of anything to say.

"I'm no good at relationships Castle, you know that." She moved around the counter until they were close enough to hear the other's breathing. "I knew you loved me … even before you confessed while I was bleeding in the grass … I knew it in my heart before I ever heard you say the words."

There was another pause as Beckett collected her thoughts into something she could actually say that made sense. "But … but I think I'd forgotten how to be loved … Josh tried but I wouldn't let him … there were others along the way that tried … but I wouldn't let them."

"Why not?" He slipped his question in before she could continue.

She shrugged her shoulders, her gaze falling to the floor. "Being with another person physically is easy … giving someone your body is a lot less complicated than giving them your heart."

Castle thought back to all of his relationships over the years, his two marriages and the lovers in between … yeah, finding a lover wasn't the hard part … finding someone to truly love was a miracle. He was wrestling with that little kernel when Kate started talking again.

"Walking away from a relationship that is basically physical is easier than leaving something that you've invested everything into … I've walked away from so many good men that I knew that the problem was with me."

"Kate … _wait_ …"

Her right hand came up to cut him off. "It's a _truth_, Castle … one that I've struggle with for far too long … and I'm sorry that you had to get hurt so badly before I figured it out. I wanted to give you my heart … but I realized that I had kept it locked away for so long, that I'd forgotten how."

How they managed to get closer without either of them consciously moving was a mystery, but it touched her deeply when Castle reached out and tenderly covered her hand with his. "You went through so much …"

Kate was shaking her head before he could finish. "Yes … but that's just another excuse. I've met others on this job that have been through so much more than I and they were able to move past their tragedy and actually _live._"

"But Kate, everyone handles things differently, in their own way." He wanted to comfort her, even with the emotional divide between them, his love for her still burned.

Without acknowledging that she'd heard him, she continued. "Do you know that really tall detective down in Vice?"

"Curry?"

"Yeah … did you know that when he was a freshman in high school, he lost his entire family to a drunk driver?" She looked up to see Castle shake his head. "Both parents and his two little sisters … gone … because some idiot decided to drive home after getting kicked out of a bar. The asshole's blood alcohol content was so high he probably could barely walk, much less operate a car."

"What happened to the other driver?" Castle felt a knot forming in his stomach at the anguish such a tragedy would bring.

"The bastard died on impact … killed right along with Curry's family." Kate wiped away the tears on her checks, saddened by the story of one of her friends who went through the academy just a year or two before she did. "There was no trial … no one to punish … no closure." The _just like me _went unsaid but was still heard.

"Kate …" The way he said it made her heart clench in her chest, but she was determined to finish.

"Curry lost everything … but you know what?" She wasn't expecting an answer as she provided it herself. "He learned how to live … really _live_ … he's got two little girls of his own and his wife is one of the sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to meet. He found a way, Castle … he found a way to do something that I cannot … and it's killing me."

His hand closed over hers and she felt the strength that he was trying to transfer to her, and she was grateful that no matter what, he seemed to always be at her side. Then she caught his words, and her heart could barely stand the strain.

"Maybe he leaned that he wasn't strong enough to do it by himself … that just because you share your pain with others, that doesn't mean you're weak …" Kate squeezed his hand with her fingers, holding on as he continued to speak softly next to her. " … just because you've lost something dear and precious, doesn't mean to have to lose yourself in the process."

"How?"

Castle let out a long sigh, his struggle with finding the right words evident in his pause. "I can't speak for Curry and I would never presume to speak for you … but maybe people who go through something like that realize that they have to simply let it go." He felt her tense before he noticed her body going rigid and he hurried to calm her 'fight or flight' response. "I'm not saying you forget or that you act like it never happened … you will find justice for your mother, if I'm sure of anything in this world … I know that's another truth."

Kate wiped at her eyes with her free hand, letting out a small chuckle. "You have so much faith in me … when I don't have any myself."

"Katherine _Houghton_ Beckett!"

She'd have to ask him later how he knew her middle name but the harsh look in his eyes cut off her thoughts.

"I know that you are not a perfect person and that you still have your demons to fight … but I will not stand here and listen to you doubt your abilities to find justice for those who have been wronged … even when it's you." The sternness of his tone left little room for argument and when the tension rolled off her shoulders, his voice softened. "I never wanted you to stop working on your mother's case and I'm sorry for making you feel that way … I just … I just want to see you _live_ Kate … that's all."

"What if I'm not ready? I want to … but … what if I can't figure out how?"

Castle was close enough now to press his arm against her shoulder and she was almost overcome by the heat coming from his body. Whatever body wash or cologne his was using sent tendrils of fire straight to her core and she couldn't believe that she'd thought she wouldn't miss him. When he spoke now, the words moved the loose strands of her hair over her ear.

"Then let me help you, Kate."

She turned into his chest, her wet cheeks soaking his shirt as she listened to his heartbeat, strong and sure. "You would do that for me … after everything that I've done? After I've lied … after I hurt you?"

His rebuttal was classic Castle. "What, like you're the first woman that's ever slapped me? _Plah_, eeease."

Kate buried her face further into the warmth of him. "God, _Rick_ … I'm so … I'm so, so sorry …"

"I know … I know … me too."

She pushed away so fast that he almost stumbled backwards. "What on Earth do you have to be sorry for?"

The hand that still held hers tugged it to the center of his chest. "For thinking that I could ever stop loving you."

Kate stepped back into him, dropping her forehead to his sternum. "But I'm broken."

"So am I."

She nudged him with her nose. "I'll just hurt you again."

"And I'll hurt you too … it's just a fact of life … we hurt the ones we love the most. I know it sucks, but it is what it is." He felt her nuzzle closer, her free arm wrapping loosely around his waist.

After a moment, she spoke into his shirt. "I'm not giving up on us." When the words left her lips, she felt a tremor run through him but before she could ask what it meant, he was speaking, his lips moving across the top of her head.

"You said 'us' … that's a step in the right direction."

Reveling in the feel of him against her, she whispered her question as he held her close. "One little pronoun has you all excited?"

"It's more than that and you know it. That little word means that you're seeing that there's more to this than the 'my life' … the 'it's mine' … the things that were keeping you focused internally … that you see that there's a bigger world out there when you let others in."

"Wow, getting philosophical are we?"

Castle gave her a small squeeze. "Not philosophical … _hopeful_."

"Hopeful for what?" She looked up at him, wondering what he meant.

"That we'll figure this out … together. That no matter what lies ahead; we will seek the best for each other, that the pain and hurts of the past won't destroy the future."

Kate pressed a kiss into the fabric over his skin. "Your eternal optimism is one of the many things that I love about you."

They held each other in silence for an endless count of moments before Castle spoke against the top of her head. "We have a lot to still work out."

Kate nodded against him. "I know."

"It won't be easy."

"Yeah … or fun."

He leaned back so he could look down at her, waiting until she returned his gaze before he spoke. "Can you promise me one thing?"

"Yes … anything."

"Whatever happens … whatever pain or hurt we cause each other as we find our way … I need you to promise me that you'll always remember that I love you."

The tears fell unhindered down her cheeks, almost in time with his own. Leaning up, she kissed away the ones that she could reach, tugging herself up onto her tiptoes. "I will … but on one condition." She waited for his nod, then kissed his cheek once more. "That you promise me the same thing."

She heard his one word and almost breathless answer right before his lips closed over hers.

"Always."

_Fin_

…

* * *

**A/N: The title for this chapter is loosely translated 'Healing in Truth'.**

**I know this probably wasn't the story or the ending that a lot of you wanted but it was the one that I wanted to tell. This was about mess ups and pain, but also about forgiveness and healing. I left it the way I did because this 'new' path that they are own might not delve into a physical relationship right off the bat and maybe that will make what they have any stronger. The "I want you' proceeding the quick hope into the sack never sat well with me and that was the impetuous for this short story. What happens for them next is entirely up to you ... let your imagination run with it. **

**I hope you liked it ... if you didn't, oh well ... it is what it is. If you feel so inclined, leave a little note in the box at the bottom and I'll see you on the flip side.**

**Semper Fidelis**

**JS **


	7. Dolor In Veriate

**A/N: Sorry, this is an out-of-order addition to the story. This is the confrontation between Beckett and Alexis back at the loft that I skipped over to give you the ending of the story. Some of the readers expressed an interest in that part of the tale and since I had already written it, I thought it needed to be added. **

**Hope you enjoy it and thanks again for all the support for this little story.**

**…**

**Dolor In Veriate**

Standing in front of him after what seemed an eternity apart, Kate Beckett was almost overcome with the emotions that were undulating inside of her. Her legs felt weak and she was sure the color had drained from her face … but there he was, a little stunned for the moment, but he was still looking at her and he hadn't slammed the door in her face.

Castle had muttered out her name, shocked that she was there and confused as to 'how' or 'why'. He couldn't deny his immediate response had been complete surprise but the longer they remained motionless and silent, a wave of uncertainty washed over him and he suddenly felt the world was once again shifting under his feet.

"Rick." His name on her tongue sounded like relief, like she couldn't believe that he was really there. When his hand remained fixed on the door's handle and his eyes remained dazed and unfocused, Beckett called out to him once more. "Castle."

Snapping out of his stupor, Castle eased his large frame further into the opening between the edge of the large door and the door frame, closing off the opening and Beckett felt a cold chill roll up her spine at the action. To her, it looked as if he was closing off the inside of his home and for a flicker of a moment, she wondered if he was alone or if he had company. She glanced over his shoulder but she couldn't see anything except the vaulted ceiling of the foyer and the man standing in front of her. To her shame, he caught her gaze and quickly deduced the meaning behind her curiosity.

"Don't worry … I'm alone." His voice carried very little warmth.

Beckett dropped her eyes to the tiles at their feet, ashamed of how easily he'd seen her action for what it was. "Look, Rick … I'm sorry, but I just wanted …"

"Why are you here?" Castle was barely keeping himself upright with the enormous amount of effort he was exuding to maintain his composure. With the messages he'd just listened too, the confessions that they contained, and the woman who left the messages right in front of him … he was amazed that his head hadn't exploded. He wasn't trying to be cold or abrasive, but how in the world was she now standing at his front door?

Kate had been planning this conversation for hours, if not days. Ever since she'd come back to the city, she'd yearned for an opportunity to see her partner and maybe even have a chance of making things right between them. She was pretty sure he wouldn't be coming into the precinct anytime soon, even for a dead body or case involving a sighting of the Abominable Snowman in Central Park. The first calls she made ended before the first ring, her thumb slamming into the 'END' button before he would have had a chance to answer. After wrestling with what to say and how to say it, her next attempts at placing a call ended just as his voice mail message started and she, once again, ended the call before anything was said. Finally, after arguing back and forth with herself, she'd managed to leave a message consisting of a long sigh and his name carried on a sob. For a woman who could make grown men cry with just a glare, she really needed to work on mastering the art of stringing a sentence together when it really mattered.

It had been hours later when she managed to find her courage and her words once more, but they had come out in a tangle of a trite greeting and teary apologies. A talk with Lanie had finally given her the strength to hold herself together long enough to spill her heart out onto the recording, saying all the things that she should have said on that rainy night when he'd answered the door and his face fell into cold appraisal at her appearance.

That had all led up to a trip to the loft in the vain hope that he would be there and that he would let her in. Instead, she'd been greeted by a turbulent Alexis, whose kind eyes had held a murderous intent the moment she'd opened the door to the detective. It was no small miracle that Castle's daughter hadn't slammed the door so hard she broke the hinges or caused a ruckus by throttling the older woman to death on the floor out in the hallway. Whatever lessons in civility Castle had taught his little red-head, Beckett was grateful that it had led to some reveled truths after the teenager had let the detective into their home.

_"__Thanks for letting me in, Alexis."_

_The storm raging inside the young woman was as obvious as her mane of red hair. "Don't thank me just yet … I still haven't decided if I want to hear what you have to say or if I should just start kicking your ass."_

_Beckett knew with her training and experience, thwarting an attack from an impassioned teenager would be a small challenge, but the fire in Alexis' eyes gave her pause, wondering if there was more to the young woman than she was letting on. Even if she came out the victor, would winning a physical confrontation with Castle's daughter in any way help bridge the gap that now existed between the detective and the writer? _

_Absolutely not. _

_So while she waited for the ass-kicking that was brewing behind the girl's eyes, Kate hoped that it wouldn't come to that, realizing that if it did, her best course would to be to simply take it. They stood there for several moments, Beckett preparing for the first punch or kick, while Alexis remained stoic, her arms tensely folded across her chest._

_Just when Kate decided to leave, that the ass-kicking wasn't coming nor was there going to be any headway made in the impasse, Alexis dropped her eyes to the floor. _

_"__Go ahead … _detective_ … explain." The way the girl said 'detective', it made Beckett flinch. Kate took a shuddering breath to begin but the girl cut her off. "Explain to me why you're even here? Why in the world I would want to hear a damn word you have to say? Tell me why is it, that whenever you're around, my father loses his ever-loving-mind going crazy over you while all you do is dance all over his heart? Is THAT what you want to explain?"_

_Dropping her head in shame, Beckett can do nothing but listen while the daughter of the man that means so much to her unloads. "You have the gall to show up here after what you've pulled? I've got to hand it to you detective … you got balls made out of solid brass."_

_Before Alexis can continue, Beckett manages to silence her with a tear-filled confession. "No, Alexis … I'm a coward … and a fool." _

_That caught the younger woman off-guard, bringing her stinging tirade to an abrupt end. "What … what do you mean?" The venom wasn't completely gone, but it had been toned down a little._

_Kate let out a long frustrated sigh, her hands dropping to her sides as she shrugged her shoulders. "Just being honest, Alexis … I'm a coward who hurts the people she cares about … and I'm a fool for the way I've treated your father."_

_Alexis stance hadn't changed much, but she reinforced her stoic posture with a dismissive flip of her long hair. "I think you'll have to do a lot better than that … stating the obvious isn't winning you any points at the moment."_

_Now, Kate's own frustration began to bubble to the surface and she had to tamp down the urge to simply rail out her pain and anger, throwing it all at the woman standing only a few feet away. "What do you want me to say, Alexis? That I'm sorry!? That I screwed up … again!? Do you want to hear how I've hurt the most faithful and honorable man I have ever met in my life!? That despite everything that I've ever done to him … all the crap that I've put him through … all the times … all the times that I've lied or belittled … ignored … " She wasn't crying, this wasn't some emotional fueled plea, it was a confession from her heart and it would be delivered with all of the seriousness and power she could muster. _

_"__I have hurt him so much … accused him of betraying me … told him that we're over … and yet, he still comes back … watching my back and protecting me when I didn't even know about it." Beckett advances on Alexis, but her movements are meant to display sincerity and not a threat. "I put everything before him and all he has ever done is love me."_

_That caught Alexis' attention. "He told you that?"_

_Kate nodded her head. "When I got shot … then again a few days ago." That was just in words, she knew that he'd said it so many times in so many different ways, that her mind couldn't even catalogue them all._

_"__And what have you done about it?"_

_That sucked the air right out of Beckett's lungs. "Nothing … absolutely nothing."_

_"__Nothing … but hurt him." Alexis' earlier ass-kicking expression had returned._

_Kate dropped her eyes to the floor at Alexis' feet, and nodded slowly. She heard a sad exhale then a simple question._

_"__Why Beckett?" _

_Kate almost choked on the shift from 'detective' to now 'Beckett'._

_"__Why would you do that?"_

_Lifting her green eyes to the ones looking right back at her, Kate took a shaky breath. "Because I'm a coward."_

_"__You said that earlier … but why?"_

_"__I'm afraid."_

_Alexis was beginning to feel like she was speaking with a much younger version of the hardened detective in front of her. "What are you afraid of?"_

_Kate turned to the side to look out the large windows at the other end of the room. "Of getting hurt … of opening myself up and being vulnerable."_

_"__So, you'd just rather screw things up from the get-go rather than take a chance on someone breaking your heart?" When the woman looked up at her, Alexis could have sworn she looked much younger. _

_"__Is that selfish of me? Wanting to protect my heart?"_

_Alexis shook her head. "Your heart looks pretty busted up from where I'm standing … is that about right?"_

_Beckett didn't even bother to answer, it was written clearly on her face._

_"__If you want to protect your heart, that's fine … " It sounded like Alexis was trying to placate her, but when Beckett looked up, she was again met with cold hostility. " … but I will not stand by and watch as you break my father's … no way, no how."_

_"__But … Alexis … I … "_

_"__You 'what'? Come on Beckett, you don't take a crap without a plan." Alexis was moving now, closing the distance between them and the heat from her body was palpable. "Why … are … you … HERE?!"_

_" … __I … I … "_

_"__WHAT? Just say it!"_

_It exploded out, like it was some living thing straining to be free. _

_"__I LOVE HIM!"_

_The room went silent, the only sound was the faint creak of the windows as the wind blew against them outside the building. They remained motionless but Kate's chest thumped with her confession and the energy its release had cost her. _

_When the younger Castle spoke, cold resignation vibrated through her words. "If that's how you treat people you love … then you're a mess."_

_It was like the girl had slapped her. Kate's head shot up, her eyes burning with intensity and pain. "Don't you think that I know that?! I get shot after your dad tried to push me out of the way … he tells me he loves me … he spends this year protecting me from the ones who want me dead … and I shit all over him and he still won't stop!"_

_"__That's because he loves you Kate … I'm pretty sure that he always has." _

_The ups and downs of the girl's moods were making Beckett feel like she was on a roller coaster at the amusement park. "And that's why I'm here, Alexis … he loves me and I've ruined it. I've got nowhere else to go … I've got nothing left to hide behind … I'm out of excuses and I'm so tired of running from the one thing that makes everything else make sense."_

_Alexis let out a long, shuddering breath and Beckett wondered what was swirling around in the girl's mind. When she took a moment to look her over, she noted the sad expression on her face and the circles under her eyes … the poor thing looked exhausted._

_"__I'm sorry Alexis … I should leave … you look worn out." Beckett took a tentative step back, giving the other woman a chance to respond, but hoping that she would let her stay._

_"__No, Beckett, wait … it's okay." Alexis gave her an imploring look, stopping her movement toward the door. "I just haven't been sleeping well since dad left."_

_"__He's not here?"_

_Alexis shook her head. "No, he's out of town."_

_Beckett felt her heart tumble to her feet. She'd hoped that if she could remain in the loft long enough, Castle would arrive and she could possibly have the conversation that would help mend the rift between them. Talking to his daughter wasn't something she'd planned on and the exertion had worn her out already, and to find out he wasn't even in the city made her chest ache._

_"__When's he coming back?"_

_Alexis played it close. "Can't say."_

_"__Do you know where he went?"_

_That almost made the younger woman chuckle. "Really, Beckett? You expect me to tell you that?"_

_In that moment, Beckett knew that she had underestimated Castle's daughter and her willingness to protect her dad against all challengers. The girl's protective nature rivaled the detective's stubborn streak and they were getting close to an impasse that would only make things worse._

_"__No … no, you're right … I shouldn't have asked." Kate didn't bother to hide her disappointment, but wasn't about to fault the girl either. "I know you must hate me … and I wish there was some way to make up for all the horrible things I've done to your father. I can tell you I'm sorry until I'm blue in the face and I doubt you would ever believe me … and for that, I am truly ashamed."_

_Alexis shifted on her feet, her movements conveying a slight crack in her angry defenses._

_Beckett took a step closer, appearing both contrite and sincere. "And I won't ask you to forgive me … it's too soon for that … but what I'm asking for … what I'm begging you for … is a chance to apologize to your father … face to face."_

_"__I … I don't know Beckett … you've hurt him … so much."_

_"__I know, sweetie … I know." Kate wiped at a stray tear that had worked its way free. "I get it … I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes … but at least give me a chance to make up for just a small amount of pain I have caused him."_

_For several moments, Alexis appeared to be touched by Kate's plea but she had to make one thing clear. "If you hurt him again … "_

_Kate chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, I know … you'll kick my ass."_

_"__You think it's funny?" Alexis' tone ended her attempt to lighten the mood._

_"__Alexis … I'm sorry … I …"_

_"__You listen to me … if you hurt him … again … be confident that there is no power on this earth that will protect you from me." The cold steel in the girl's eyes left no room for any argument._

_"__You're right … I … "_

_"__I know you slapped him … "_

_Beckett froze._

_"__One call to 1PP and then one to Gina … a decorated NYPD detective assaulting a world famous author in his own home … just the initial brouhaha stirred up by the press would surely end your career, whether there were any formal charges filed or not … don't you think, detective?"_

_Yes, she had vastly underestimated the young woman, leaving her humbled and slightly startled. _

_"__Alexis … "_

_The red-head cut her off. "I may regret this, but he's in the Hamptons … I'll text you the address."_

_"__I … I don't know what to say … " Beckett wanted to reach out and shake the girl's hand or even give her a hug, but she still looked dangerous. " … I promise, I'll not let you down."_

_Alexis waved her hand, dismissing Kate's words. "Just promise me one thing."_

_"__Anything, Alexis … anything."_

_The young woman suddenly looked very old and very tired. "If he sends you away … if he tells you that it's over … that there's nothing left of this 'thing' between you two … promise me that you will leave him alone and never look back."_

_"__Alexis … "_

_"__No! You promise me or, so help me Kate, I will become your worst enemy."_

_Knowing it wasn't a battle she would win if she had ten thousand years to fight it, Kate let out a long sigh and nodded her head. "I promise, Alexis … if it's over … really over … I'll go and never come back."_

_The encounter was over and Alexis moved back to the door, pulling it open as Beckett stepped up to leave. Just as the detective passed the threshold, the younger woman called out once more. "Beckett?"_

_Kate spun in place just outside the door and she didn't even blink when Alexis' hand slapped her hard across her left cheek. _

_"__That's to help you remember your promise and maybe even help you keep it."_

_Beckett raised a hand to rub away the sting, looking up just in time to see the door close without another word from Castle's daughter._

"Beckett?"

Kate snapped back to the present when he called her name and it surprised her how much it stung when he used just her last name. "This was so much easier when I thought it out in my head."

Castle realized that he was being short with her, but the ache in his chest thrummed with every breath he took. "Yeah, I'll bet it was."

Dismissing his sarcastic tone and thankful that the door was still open, Kate bit her lip to stop a smart retort. Instead, she looked up into his stormy blue eyes and with her will alone, begged him to at least hear her out. When she saw him waver ever so slightly, she asked the question that would probably seal the fate of the evening.

"I'll leave, if that's what you want Rick … and I'll never bother you again … but I have some things I want to say to you in person and if you have any feelings left for me whatsoever … I'm asking for just one more chance to make this right between us before I go."

It seemed like Castle was about to send her back down the sidewalk, but he suddenly relaxed his posture and gave her a gentle nod of his head. "You're right … I … I'm sorry Beckett … I'm being rude." Then he stepped back, letting the door swing open fully and even though she was immediately struck by how beautiful that place was, it was his simple gesture of letting her in that made her heart ache in her chest. "Come on in … do you need something to drink? It's a long drive."

She laughed lightly to cover the quiver in her lips. "Yeah … that would be great."

Castle nodded as he closed and locked the door. "Do you have anything … uhmm … "

For a second or two, Kate didn't know what he meant, but then it dawned on her what he was asking. "I've got a rental and an overnight bag in the trunk."

He made not inappropriate comment about her assumption that she would be staying with him in the house … or which bed she would be in … and she knew that lack of levity indicated that the evening was still on shaky ground. It was going to be along night, at least she hoped it would be more than her apology and him kicking her out on her ass.

When Kate caught the quick twinkle in his eye, she found a small ray of hope.

…


End file.
